Freedom From The Past

[missjennifer]

Hello, I am a new member. I am 31 years old and am a product of physical abuse. My father abused my mother over 20 years and verbally abused my sisters and I. They divorced when I was 19 and all financial responsibility fell on my sisters and me. For the last ten years of my life, I have been depressed, ruined friendships with people I have gone to high school with, sexually premiscuous, lived in fear, felt guilty, ashamed and had low self-esteem. Throughout the years, I have read several self-help books, watched Oprah and Dr. Phil. It wasn't until I purchased Stand Up For Your Life that I was able to find ME. The real me. I was able to find happiness, love, and peace during all of this. I was also able to face my demons head on and accept the relationship with my father for what it is. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and was shown that I had it all the time in myself. Reading this book, journaling, and completing the exercises helped me realize that I am a worthy and beautiful creation of God. I have been reading this book since October and just in the middle of Chapter 7. I know it is going on a year; however, I have had some drama in my life since last October. Anyway, I would like to thank Cheryl from the bottom of my heart. I can and am now able to do all things I was afraid of. I am able to speak up and no longer a "people pleaser". I have let go of the past no matter how much it shows up in my face. I am able to live a live of freedom and peace. I pray that everyone who is struggling with their situations believe in themselves and love themselves the way God loves us.

[sherelle1]

You have really been through the fire in the same way that dross is burned off of a priceless object. There's a saying that goes, "That which does not kill you only makes you stronger." No matter what others do to you, you have proven that you have an inner strength and beauty that cannot be touched. Congratulations for surviving. You have much to teach other people in similiar situations. The ultimate victory is sharing your learning lessons with others in the same boat. Stay strong and happy.

[missjennifer]

Thank you for responding to my e-mail. I was touched by your words and it made me realize how blessed I am to be here and how strong I am. I was really upset today because I feel estranged from old high school friends and relatives since I'm on my own. Now that I am older, I am spending less time with relatives and sometimes feel like they are going on with their lives without me and I am just sitting here complaining about that without a life of my own. However, God is blessing me right now and knowing that, I can and will survive. It is a challenge to get people to listen to my story when I tell it because sometimes it gets belittled and I get criticized for somethings. However, I am able to tell my best friend about it and she couldn't believe half of the things I told her.

I have been through a lot in my life. My father and I rarely speak such is the case with he and my sisters. He is very resentful of my mother(that's funny because he physically abused her for 20 years). My mother is a strong woman. She is not thinking about any of it. She goes to work, tag sales, church and home. She could care less because the important thing was getting him out of her life. I found it hard to trust others because I didn't trust myself. I even stopped having sex because the more I did it the more I hated it. I'm glad to have gone through the rough times because now I feel like my life has really begun. It's a new month and a new day. Although I do have crying spells (PMS moments I guess), I now know that I am worthy and now able to see myself as God sees me.

Well, I appreciate your e-mail and was surprised by a response. I'm thankful for your kind words once again. I am still reading Stand Up For Your Life, which has helped me tremedously, and if it were not for me reading that book and also my faith in the Lord, I don't think I would be here right now. So, take care and never give up because ten years ago, I was fired from the first full-time job I've ever had(something foolish I did), no money, no self-anything at all. Today, I am a school secretary(I have been working full-time for 6 years now), I am saving for a car, and my best friend and I are roommates.

So realize that when nothing happens thats when God has a divine plan for your life. You have to endure and be a "long-sufferer". He may not come when you want Him, but he sure is right on time. So take care and may God continue to bless you. Jennifer

[Faith03]

Jennifer,

I was very inspired by your post. I keep hoping that one day I will find such love/peace/beauty within myself. How did you do it? I have read all the self-help books Borders sells, it seems, but to no avail.

[missjennifer]

Greetings Faith,

Thank you so much for being inspired by my story. It makes me happy to share my story with anyone who is struggling to get out of their depression. I know that there are challenging times and in those times I turn to the Lord because without Him, I am nothing. This is not to say that I live a holy live because I don't; however, the Lord knows my heart and He has a plan for me. Just as he blesses me and keeps me, He is the keeper of your soul. He knows exactly what you are going through. I have to be honest, yesterday, when I finished Stand Up For Your Life, I was so happy, when I say happy, I mean on top of the world. When my roommate got home later that evening, we had an argument over something I said wouldn't bother me. I mean something inside me just went wild. I felt so ashamed and disappointed in myself for behaving like a spoiled brat. I just didn't expect for me to be that way because I was so so happy and I felt empowered. It just bothered me all night that I did just the opposite. I was so ashamed that I couldn't allow myself to be happy. My roommate tried everything to calm me down by saying I had a right to be mad and I didn't do anything wrong. I just couldn't get past what happened.

Today, I feel much better. I was able to talk to my roommate and she talked to me as well and the situation is now resolved. I promised myself that I would no longer have any negative feeling be a cloud over me and I am getting back to that "high" I felt yesterday. It feels so good to have my freedom back you just don't know.

How did I reach that point you ask? Honey, it took a long time. I cried so much in the last 10 years, you would have thought and even I thought that I would be a lost cause. Hope is not gone. Like I said, it was all God--I take no credit because if it were up to me, I would not be living today. I got baptised 9 years ago and that was a rough time for me because I left the church months later. I was bothered by the fact that I wasn't as "spiritual" or closer to God as the other folks in the church and some members did not make it easy for me. In 2000, on Easter Sunday, I had an anxiety attack because there was actually a battle going on inside of my head. The battle was over the fact that I wasn't living like other church members. It was a bad one because I slammed my head on the wall hard and convulsing on the floor. I just heard loud church music in my head. My cousin was so scared over the incident--she didn't know what to do. So she just looked over me and called her parents. I was so scared. I had several anxiety attacks after that. I had my last one a couple of months ago. However, as the years went by, I decided not to focus on them because it was me who knew me better than them and it was and is the same God waking me up daily that was blessing them. Now, I know that there is a reason for me being here.

Throughout the years, I have read several self-help books. My mom has a lot and I watch a lot of Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil. Whenever I watch Dr. Phil and there is a topic on self-esteem, I act as if Dr. Phil is talking to me and I was able to answer questions of my life that I didn't or wouldn't acknowledge before. My fears came, the pain, the sorrow, disappointments, showed up and I just dealt with them and questioned everything. It was like God was taking me back to last year (painful year for me), 2001,just down the line all the way back to the year my parents met(1967). I didn't come until 1971; however, there were things in my past related to my parent's meeting.

Looking back at the past, journaling, praying, crying, facing my guilt and past failures, reading self-help books and four months of psychotherapy helped me. Yes, I only spent four months in psychotherapy and psychiatric help(Zoloft for a couple of weeks--no more medicine for me!).

For me, the more I journaled, watched Dr. Phil, read Stand Up For Your Life, and doing the exercises outlined in her book, my faith in God, and getting tired of feeling depressed all the time, really helped me alot. Also, getting rid of and tuning out that negative and critical voice that keeps telling me that I can't be the person who I want to be. The voice came back today and told me that I was fooling myself because the more I change, the more I'm going to fall back into that depressive state and that I'll never be who I want to be. The Devil is a liar today! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

Basically, I wanted to live and be the person I was 10 years ago but stronger, wiser, more confident. I just have to keep reminding myself to be happy everyday and I don't have to be serious all the time. I'm striving to be trustworthy in order gain the trust of myself and the trust of others back. I love life because I love myself more. You can have the same confidence because change comes from within not from the outside. Keep your head up girl and things will come to you. I wish you the best.

If you would like to e-mail me at anytime, please feel free. I'm not clear if I can say the names of the other books I've read. I'm willing to share that info in an e-mail. Well, I pray that anyone who reads my story, feels inspired to live a life a happiness, love, fun, freedom. Those are my values from the Stand Up For Your Life book that I'm embracing. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you (Phil.4:9) Take care. Jennifer

[Faith03]

Jennifer, your story is so inspiring. I used to believe that God had a purpose for me also. I used to wonder if I'd ever believe like the people around me in church did. It's funny how similar, yet how different we are.
How weird, right now I'm IN my fourth month of therapy! I too will be quitting soon. It isn't working either.

Congratulations again!

[missjennifer]

Faith, let me tell you something. All the answers are in you. Let God be your guide. There is nothing wrong with getting help from a psychiatrist or psycotherapist. However, for me, God allowed me to get help in other ways. He loves you and is trying to prepare you for better things. My roommate just called me from her doctors appointment. Apparently she had a session with her doctor and her other "personality" came out. For some reason she has this alter personality to shield or protect her from the truth of her childhood. Like her, you are much stronger than any problem, challenge or situation. Continue to journal, pray, read self-help books and be inspired. I also received an e-mail from my older sister and her life is parallel to mine. I am proud that she finally got it. We are the same in many ways. Just like you I felt therapy wasn't working. There were times I wanted to give up. What inspired me the most years ago was a song by Michael Jackson actually two songs (Keep the Faith and Will You Be There) also the Don't Quit Poem. That kept my spirits up every time I heard those songs and read that poem. So I glad I was able to inspire you. I don't know if you heard of Mary J. Blige. Well, she is a singer who went through hell, and a couple of days ago she said that "the misery was over and it's time to be happy". I will apply that saying to my life because I'm stepping out of hell. I 'm stepping out of hell because I can't take it no more. Jesus took the keys from Satan so I can live again, so why continue in sin? Love yourself and others, give praise to the Lord, and things good things will happen for you. I thank God for you--even though I don't know you--you are my sister.Thank you once again. May you be inspired and focus on what's really important in your life. Love Jennifer...