Hardest milestone

[Newleaf]

This is my first post after just finding out about this website. I liv in dallas, mid thirties, coping with depression (9 years now) no kids,divorced and the reason why I joined this website is I want to change how I think and make life changes and to me at this point seems like a hard thing to do mentally but I have to do it. My negative self talk and image are all I talk about and this is no life! My life doesn't contain any friends simply because I don't like to be around people, I prefer to be alone. I want to be alone and I think the future looks grim to me. My famly, mother, uncle, sister all live here but I am not a big family person so I'm not around them much, well, my mom I am, I live with her. I seem to cope better when I have perspective on daily life and I don't feel I have it. My pets (cats) are my passion and I love music. My uncle always has told me what an awesome person I am and great to be around but my self-defeating thinking comes in and doesn't believe it. My mother even says how glad she is too see me and be with me and I laugh, I just can't see it. I've always t hought that there is more to life than living in texas just never had the courage and money to go out on my own and experiences things for myself and find my own life, whatever or wherever it is. Most of my thoughts are all negative and I'm getting tired of it. tommorrow is July 4 and everyone everywhere is celebrating this annual event with fireworks and all I can think about is I wish I weren't here doing nothing, I';d rather be out there having fun like everyone else is. It's obvious that I have had no group theraphy training or cognitive therapy, just a psych doctor for medication otherwise, I probably wouldn't be thinking like this. I don't exercise as much as I should, it's very difficult to concentrate on anything except DVD and I need a huge change! But the biggest milestone is getting over this thinking and start doing. Would love to hear support.

[funny_bunny]

Happy 4th of July to you. Sounds like you want to get yourself out there to do some celebrating yourself, but feel isolated from it all? Why? What is holding you back? There must be public events in your area that you can go to. Get out there now. Meet new people, if you WANT to. Even if you don't feel like socializing, be AROUND new people. Hey, maybe meet ONE new person out of that crowd. Have a blast. You deserve it.

Personally, I am a very introverted person, but there is something about getting into a huge crowd and outside of myself every once in a while that gets my adrenaline going. Tonight I plan on plopping down on that grass and screaming all those OOH's and AHH's with over 200,000 other people. Then it will be home again to peace & quiet.

Have a great holiday.

[Newleaf]

I have asked myself "what holding me back" numerous times and I don't know that answer. I never go out alone because I feel like people are looking at me (paranoia) that makes me feel self conscious and uncomfy. I know they aren't but my mind is telling me different. My personality is quiet, shy-reserved. I'm assuming depression plays a large role in my life, I isolate myself from the world and even my family. I have this workbook called the depression workbook, I've read through it and looked at some of the exercises but never did anyting about it. Reading is very difficult for me, I can't pay attention to what I'm reading anymore. I guess in time, maybe things will get better for me but the question remains, do I WANT them to?

Jennifer

[funny_bunny]

Sounds like you do want to.

Oh, and when I walk into a crowded room and catch strangers staring at me, they usually are... I stand tall and smile directly at them.... it catches them completely off guard, sometimes looking quickly away, but some don't. Some smile back. It puts ME into a position of power and takes me out of feeling like a victim. Try it. That is... if they are really staring at you.

[Irinja]

Hi Jennifer

My names is Irinja and I just saw what you have written here. I really felt like writing a thank you to you, I hope I manage to communicate it well. My thank you is about your sharing. I put a sad smiley on the message, because this is how I feel today, but also because the little sad face makes you want to hug that sad someone and make that someone happy again - if possible at all.

When I read your massages it really made me think about how sad I´ve been at times. How awfull hard life can be. Sometimes when we are really sad, we don´t see the ways out of it. Also sometimes the worse we feel, the more we think we have to be able to do everything!!!

I`ve been through a lot of hard times and you made me aware that in spite of my sadness today I´ve come a long way. What I just really felt like writing to you is: You are on your way. Sometimes we only see the things we are not able to do, but you just did something big. You have reached out. You just put your feelings into words, and you did what you were able to do right now: You reached out a place where there would be no eyes. That is both brave and clever. No one conquerors the world in a day, but you are on your way to do it. Cherish your baby steps, they are the most important steps of all.

What ever it might be celebrate the little things and when you are ready, think of what kind of other little steps you could take.

Lots of love

Irinja

[Newleaf]

Thanks for your support. The reason why I chose to reach out here is because no one can see me or look at me and it feels safe for me. I love to write and when I do I write my feelings down and that's why you got a great impression on how I feel.
This past 4th of july weekend was alright, I lived through it but was still depressed, future still looks hopeless and I feel I have nothing to hope for. My clinical depression may be getting worse with age, I've had the same thing happen with my father when he was my age but he didn't make it. All I want is something to hope for and be happy within myself and that may not be possible to be happy within myself. I might just have to accept that only small pleasures in life I can do with and not hope for big wishes. Hope anyone understands this.

Jennifer

[Irinja]

Hi Jennifer

I think I understand at least some of what you are going through. I know at least some things about depression and how devestating it can be. Maybe the hardest thing is that it seems like there is such a long way to go and if we don´t find support and hope in time, we think it will last forever. In a depression no one is able to go after their wildest dream and puss through in a second. But have faith in this: It can change! Small steps are the way. You are already here: sharing - coping and so on.

Maybe you don´t even have to worry much about what you will be able to do later. Little miracles happen. One thing I really believe in is this: Don´t compare your abilities to others, you know what your challenges are, be proud of whatever you do. You know somewhere inside, when you just did something new, somthing good for yourself. Depression or not, there will always be something beautiful in you to nourish. We are all unique no matter how much we are able to cope with and how we do it.

Love

Irinja

[Newleaf]

That is some great advise you just gave!! I really loved your reply and glad to know that you can kind of relate to what I'm going through and what every depressed person is going through

Jennifer

[Irinja]

Hi Jennifer

Thank you so much for your reply, it made me both happy and proud. To be able to connect is such a beautiful thing. Thank you... You help me grow as a person.

I wondering how you are doing. I thought maybe we could share a simple things in our "big life". If you completely forget about ideals and big stuff, then do you have simple little things that brings a little joy into your life?

Maybe there is something else you like to share instead - feel free to write whatever it is.

Bye the way, I can´t help thinking that maybe in this periode of your life you are not connected to smiling faces and millions of people around, maybe you just need a deeper way to connect with people. That´s how I feel at times, and I think that is completely OK. Then when you are ready again, it may simply come. If not then it´s possible to deal with some things later.

No matter what be gentle towards yourself - little steps you know.

Lots of love

Irinja

[Newleaf]

I'm getting bye each day and try not to think about the next day until it comes. You are right, I'm not connecting with smiling faces or with enough happy people and I think I do connect with people on a deeper level. I've stopped dreaming about the big things I want and am focusing on the small things I have already. To me, it's not much but it has to be something or else you feel worse.

Jennifer

[Irinja]

Hi Jennifer

I´ll soon be on a little vacation for the week-end, but I thought I´d just send you a little "invitation".

I just read your reply and it made me think. I know you are not in the position to make major changes as it is right now. You are there every day coping with much already. Sometimes coping like you are right now is actually much harder than making changes, because it feels like every day has to be "fought".

That is why I´ve been thinking; how about one little thing to improve your life, as it is right now? If you were to do one little thing, that could change things just a little bit, what could it be? Every single little thing is the gentle way towards brighter days. I´m thinking maybe you would be willing to give it a try? Don´t be embarresed if it seems so small or like nothing at all. It will not be! Lighting a candle, opening the window to feel the air for just a little while. Whatever it might be. Please tell me if there is anything, that could help you just a little bit on the way and even if you will be willing to give it a try. I´m quite sure it will be the number one thing to do rigth now, if you feel like getting just a little bit further away from the kind of thinking, that´s haunting you.

I wish you the best

Irinja

[Newleaf]

Irinja,
That is the best idea someone has given me in a long time and I'm happy you took the time to think about me and what advise I could use. The small step in improving my life will be making a new friend. That will take alot of work but it will be worth it and I'll keep you posted on how it goes and who it is. What about you, what are you going to do?

Jennifer

[missjennifer]

Hello, Jennifer

I'm Jennifer also. I read your post. I'm glad you are feeling better and want to make new friends. I was like you once before and now am free of those negative feelings. You have to establish a relationship with yourself and become your own best friend. Once that is established, people will come to you because they will see a whole new you. I wish you all the best. Take care. Jennifer

[Irinja]

Hi Jennifer

What a good thing going on here. Don´t you think? Finding a friend sounds like such a nice idea. If it gets hard, then remember - if something doesn´t work, then something else will. Going slowly and patiently can really amount to much. And bye the way you are already here making friends, maybe you are even half way, who knows? Please tell me what your steps could be and how it goes.

I just came home from a week-end sleeping in a little tent. First we had rain, then almost a storm and suddenly a lot of sunshine. It was very much like my life, changing a lot. Actually I enjoyed all the different kinds of wheather and the week-end in nature a whole lot.

I also unpacked my bags after I came home, I can be quite lazy, therefore it was such a nice thing to get done right away.

Right now I´m back and trying to figure out, what to do next. Getting ready for my week. As it is right now I´m trying to figure out what is most important for me to work with personally. I have a lot of different kinds of challenges or ideas how to move on in my life. One of them is, that I drive myself too hard. Get too little sleep and so on. Tonight I will try to go a little earlier to bed. I will try to tell myself, that what I haven´t figured out today, I will be able to figure out tomorrow or the day after. I think it´s a matter of faith. To trust that I can - you know - take one thing at a time and there will be time enough to figure it all out.

It was so good to come home to your reply. Thank you.

Lots of love

Irinja

[Newleaf]

What steps did you take to become your own best friend, that is part of my problem, I'm my own worst enemy but have no idea where to start to that road. ANy help would be appreciated.

Jennifer(newleaf)

[missjennifer]

Hello, I'm glad for your email. It took me a long time to become my own best friend believe me. You have to realize that you are loved and that you have love inside you. You are a beautiful creation and representation of God. You have to believe that in your heart. If you want to have friends, you have to be a friend to yourself. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, tell yourself everyday about how far you have come in your life. Look at all of the positive things that happened in your life and reflect on those things. Read positive and inspirational books, take a walk and look around at all the beauty nature has, look at the birds and see how they don't worry about anything. You are like the bird and you can soar higher than where you are. Everyday, tell yourself : I am worthy, I am love, and I am peace. You will feel better. Each morning, wake up and say thank you God for another day for change. Have a party or celebration for your achievements. If you had a fun-filled childhood like mine, reflect on what gave you the most joy and do those things. My sisters and I listened to music, read books, went to the park, spent time at the beach. Keep a journal to track your feelings. You will feel so much better. If you had a negative way of thinking, try thinking in a positive note. Say to yourself, why do I feel this way? What can I do to feel better. Just do the opposite. You know how it is to have bad feelings, now you need to know how to feel good. Loving yourself will give you that feeling. You have to accept your body, your life for what it is. You have the right to a peaceful and happy life and you have the power. You can do it. Just simple steps daily will change you forever. I'm glad that you asked for my help and hope these suggestions will be of great help to you. I read alot of self help books. I just finished Stand Up For Your Life by Cheryl Richardson and I shouted so loud because I felt so happy after reading that. I would suggest you read that book and keep a journal and a notebook for the exercises within that book and I guarantee, just as my life changed after that, yours will too. It took me 9 months to read it and it was worth it. It shouldn't take you that long; however, every month you will notice a change. I wish you well in your journey. Be blessed! Jennifer

[Newleaf]

I read your email over and over and it reads really easy but it makes sense. The hard part is actually taking it to heart, why is that so hard to intake it should be easy but I guess people with depression this is a common symptom. Can you tell me what cheryl's book is about, I haven't bought it yet. Is it similar to Who moved my cheese?

Jennifer(newleaf)

[Newleaf]

I've taken the first step towards a better life and that is I have invented a website specifically for depressed people. It's a support site for people to come and join and post their experiences and then eventually this will turn into a group hopefully and down the road people will be able to meet from it. So I have decided that I'm going to use what I know and have and use it as a support for others that have the same thing. It's called www.depressionsupport.homestead.com and I'll keep this site posted on it's progress.

Jennifer (newleaf)

[comet]

Hi Jennifer,

As I read your posts, my heart goes out to you. Congrats for posting your challenges on this board, and for taking some first steps towards creating a better life.

Sometimes, though, we need to seek out more help than we can provide for ourselves. Clinical depression can be a challenge to overcome, especially if there may be concurrent challenges such as a comorbid anxiety disorder. At least half of people with depression have comorbid anxiety of varying types. One of these anxiety disorders is called Social Phobia, and includes characteristics of fear of scrutiny by others, and self consciousness that is so severe that it results in impairment of quality of life, such as isolating oneself from friends and family.

As I read your comments, I wondered whether you may actually be facing more challenges than your physician is helping you with. One further challenge with this type of anxiety is that the fear of scrutiny stops people from talking about it. You've made create steps in being open by discussing these feelings on this message board. Have you discussed these with your doctor? Has he listened?

If not, you might consider asking your doctor for more help, such as getting involved in a CBT program that will help you overcome your self-conscious feelings of people looking at you when you go out. You might also ask him if the meds he is prescribing are optimally helping not only your depression, but also these anxious feelings. If he is not providing all the support you need, maybe you need another doctor specialized in depression and anxiety.

Best wishes for continuing on your progress. You have made some great steps ... keep it up!

comet

[missjennifer]

Thank you comet, for your inspiring email. I never looked at my situation the way you just explained it; however, that describes my sister and I in a nutshell. At times, I have those feelings where I do worry about what others think of me because I have been criticized a lot by others when I was younger and I took over their criticisms and their voice became my voice in my head. My sister is still dealing with this more than I am.

I have come to a point in my life where I no longer worry about what people say about me. I know that there are some things about my body that needs to be changed. For the last year and a half, I have become distant from friends and family members. I want the connection back and was always fearful of getting it back. I saw my aunt today at church and she wondered why I didn't come around as much. That got me to wonder and think about what I was doing. All I have ever known was my family because I didn't have many friends in my young adult life. I want to establish or re-establish my relationships with my aunts and cousins. I thank you for pointing out the name of the disorder because I knew I had the symptoms, I just didn't know what was wrong with me.

The psychiatrist I was seeing at the time, in my opinion, didn't care or interested in what I was saying. I just felt like I was whining and going on and on like a spoiled child who didn't get her way. The psychotherapist was a great listener and she was so amazed on how much I learned in four months. I just stopped going to therapy and stopped taking Zoloft because I just felt that reading self-help books, journaling, watching Dr. Phil, going to church was better for me.

I am able to recognize that I put myself in some of these situations and able to make wiser decisions in life. I'm still struggling with some issues; however, things can and will get better for me because I know that I am here for a purpose. My purpose in life is to help others and for my life to be an example to others.

Thanks for your concern.. Take care..Jennifer