feel like an outsider

[judymarie]

Hello, I am new to this, but feel the need to talk it out with others. I am in my mid-forties, married, and childless. This is my greatest regret in my life, having had no children. And recently I had to undergo a hysterectomy. I know it could be the tweaking of my hormone replacement , but I feel so bad lately, especially for my husband, he would have been a great dad, and I feel my inability to have children robbed him of this. Financially, adoption was never an option, I know we could have made it a priority and somehow made it happen, but it didn't, and now I have this overwhelming guilt. We are so out of place in society, I was actually at a picnic on the fourth and had to listen to a woman grouse about "I hate to hear children holler MOM, everyone is a MOM , how are we to know who is hollering for who? I know I am probably overly sensitive to this, but I just wish women would consider their comments. We have been married for 23 years, and I am feeling that we are running out of things to talk about. Others have children and grandchildren to bind them together, we have a cat.

[Newleaf]

what was the reason for the hyster.? Why wasn't this issue discussed before the surgery. You can still have a married life with your husband and animals, not everyone in this world is meant to have children. Take it from me, I'm not married, in my thirties and due to health reasons I'm having a hyster. I have clin ical depression and live with my parent, I have my own job but I don't have an independant life of my own but you do with your husband.

[judymarie]

The reason was rapidly growing fibroids, enlarged uterus, and many miscarriages. I put it off as long as possible, with my doc telling me for the last 2 yrs. to get it done, or there would be complications...I was tired of getting pregnant and then losing it, and I felt the docs did all they could for me,and like you said, not everyone was meant to have children. I guess it is the guilt of inflicting this life on my husband that I am having the most problems with, and he says he is over it, but...I see how empty our life is, and the guilt keeps me up nights.

[AustinJennifer]

Judy,

I'm not sure where you are emotionally right now but I'm sorry for the sadness you're feeling. I read it in your post and I felt it inside.

One thing I didn't get was whether or not you're looking for another way to connect with children. I want you to know that there are A LOT OF CHILDREN out there who need parents and role models in our society. Look in the phone book, call local community groups and seek those children out. Often their own parents don't have the time, energy, or desire to really be there for them and guide them.

I know that this is not the same as having your own biological infant and raising that child but believe me, many children out there need people who are willing to give their time (afterschool, at night, and on weekends) to help those kids realize their dreams. If what you desire is to help a child and to spend time with a child then call those groups and volunteer one-one-one or to help out at a center.

You can still make a difference in children's lives and fill a role of "mom" that many of them are missing.

Best of luck to you and your husband!

[judymarie]

Thanks for the response, guys, but I really have no problem filling my time. I've tried volunteering at pre-schools, and I spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephew. But that kinda seems empty and futile, like it's obvious to everyone what I'm doing. But my real problem is the guilt I feel toward my husband, like I should have cut him free of me long ago, so he could lead a more normal life. I just get through the days, and the days and years tick by, knowing there will be no one there for us in our old age. I help to care for my parents, Dad is 90, Mom is 84, they are still in there own home. And I realize there will be no one there for us as we become feeble, and it scares me. So thanks for the input, I struggle with this every day.

[Adrienne]

Judy,

Why was adoption not an option? There are many children to love out there.

Did you every consider the many other ways that technology and modern medicine offer?

For me.....I love being 42 and not having kids to worry about. I get the love and affection I need from my two cats. I'm lucky to work at a college so I thrive off the energy of those young people and I use my motherly instincts to mentor them. But when I get home, I can truly relax rather than starting my "second job". I don't have to worry about making dinner every night. I can travel any time I want. I raised two step-children for 12 years. Let me tell ya.......being a parent looks like fun on TV but it's not easy.

If you really want a child and your plan "A" hasn't worked out, find a plan "B".

You may be depressed because of your hormonal changes. You are probably also grieving.....for all those miscarriages and all those dreams you had. That is perfectly normal. Experience it. Understand it. Then figure out what you and your husband want to do together to make your marriage stronger and to be happy.

Don't worry, Hon'. It'll be okay. :)

Adrienne

[codiboo]

I know a few women who have had the same crisis you are having. They would say to me, "You don't understand because you have kids". I did understand because my sister had the same problem and I was there for her when she was going through it.

She decided to be a mentor to a 13 year old young lady who was a kid at risk. She said this has definitely filled the void.

This young lady has little to no support sturcture at home. Was doing miserably at school. Lacked direction and no plans for the future. Chronic runaway. You name the problem she had it. My sister became her mentor and provided her is providing her with the nurturing and a soft place to fall.

My sister said this has been the most rewarding thing she has ever done. They speak and visit daily. She helps her with her school work. She has established a reward program for her good efforts. She stays in touch with her teachers. Most importantly, she does have to run anymore. She knows my sister is there for her day or night. She has become this child's surrogate mother and loves all the challenges that comes with it. It's been three years now and so far she hasn't runaway, is handling stress better, and has a brighter outlook for the future.


Check with your local public assistance office or with Big Sister/Big Brother group. They would welcome you with open arms.

[JasmineB]

Hi Judy Marie,

Well, I have no advice, but I do empathize.

Because of a bad case of endometriosis etc., I've never been able to get pregnant.

After several years of fertility testing, drugs, and surgery, I decided to try to come to terms with my infertility. I was 35.

Now I'm 46, and I still feel a sadness about the whole thing at times. My then-husband and I divorced, and for us, it was probably better that we didn't have any children.

A woman does feel like an outsider. I understand what you mean.

I remember what it was like, when I was trying to get pregnant and how it felt to attend a friend's baby shower. I also had my own reasons for not adopting. In my opinion, the entire process of adoption is not as easy as people make it out to be.

Three years ago I moved to a new community with my partner and I didn't know anyone here except that partner. When I meet women, they all talk about their children and grandchildren (of course). Listening to them brings old feelings to the surface again. I am also very peri-menopausal, so I'm sure that the hormone fluctuations are playing a role in my exploration of these old feelings as well.

And yes, I have a busy life too. I had a twenty-five year career. We are self-employed, I'm going to school, I have an elderly mother who needs help, and I volunteer.

I hope that you and your husband do find some things to talk about! This is a such a personal and sensitive topic. My ex-husband and I never did discuss our feelings about the infertility. I'm afraid that we didn't communicate well.

I guess I do have one piece of advice. If your husband has not told you directly that he regrets or feels sad or cheated by missing the chance to be a father, don't make the assumption that he does. He may have come to terms with the situation. Maybe he is at a stage of life where he is glad that he is not raising teenagers!

Anyway, I know how I felt about the whole thing. My inability to produce children affected how I felt about myself as a woman in general. Granted, I had/have other self-esteem problems, but that's a subject for another message.

Take care, Jasmine

[judymarie]

I want to thank everyone for their input , and it all has given me a lot to think about. I can not really find ways right now to connect with children, my husband is having health problems now, and all our energies are tied up with getting him well. I realize now how good we had it, for it is true that if you don't have your health, you don't have anything. And I felt at one time that we were running out of things to talk about...but like that comic said-"God said-HA!, I'll give you something to talk about" so now I know to count my blessings, and realise there are all kinds of lifestyles on this great earth, and to avoid those people who, knowingly or not, make me feel bad or inadequate about not having children. I have turned to prayer for strength in the coming days and years, and have found a new outlook on life. Again, thanks to all who have taken an interest, and tried to help by posting replies. God Bless....

[boltnut55]

Hi, Judymarie... I'm glad you seem to be feeling better :-) Sometimes God knows exactly how much burden we can carry. My hubby is very good w/children. They always clamor to him... with me, they can probably sniff my "ewww, kids" attitude! Anyway, I never wanted to have children, but after six years into my marriage, I decided that it would be a shame for my hubby not to be a dad because handling and loving kids come so easily for him, and we had our daughter. I guess I just wanted to say that I do understand the feeling that you have about how you feel like you robbed him of his oppt'y to have children. That "guilt" probably motivated me to change my mind.

In my case, it has been interesting. Because I don't really have a passion for children, the whole motherhood part has been very challenging... it just doesn't come natural to me, so I rely on books and other parents for ideas, but I can tell it's all getting a little easier. I did realize that my DH does want another child, but that's where I draw the line... and I also have the feeling that I should cut him loose to find a woman to would give him another child... but when I really think about it, that's not what marriage is all about (having kids). It's about the love shared between two people... he really doesn't want another woman... he wants me... even though he'd like to have another kid.

It's too much of a burden to put on yourself to feel like you've ruined your DH's life because he couldn't be a dad. I hope his health gets better soon! And take care of yourself too! :-)

[shareheart]

Please dont feel too sad - I have been in your shoes too and regret is such a heavy piece of luggage to carry around. At the time my burden was so heavy and time showed me that there were some reasons I was not ready to understand back then. I am 50 now, childless, and surrounded by pet "kids" and a wonderful husband as well. I like to care for kids but I watch for the ones in other families where they are squeezed out of the parents attention - like a 3rd child for example. I try to pour love and kindness into them - spoiling them when you know they need it.