Struggling with Faith today

[hope4me]

I woke up early this morning and decided not to go into work. I opened up my computer and found Cheryl Richardson's newsletter about Faith and I was astounded how the Universe directs us in times of deep despair.

Instead of allowing my depression to take over, I found an outlet by focusing on Cheryl's newsletter and decided to join this forum. I have read everyone's posts in regards to Faith and now have the word "Faith" posted all over my apartment. Instead of focusing on my depression I am channeling my focus on Faith. This is really hard and takes energy to do this. It would be soo very easy to give into my feelings of depression, it takes more work to focus on Faith.

My darkest day of the year was yesterday. I lost my edge at work by reacting to long term frustration which may cost me my job. I sent out an email, in frustration voicing my opinion and to my dismay it was used against me. Initially I was fired and as I started to clean out my desk I was informed I could keep my job but would be put on 30 days probation. I work in a "fire at will state". I have worked very hard at my career and in one single moment I may have damaged it, or at least for this job which I really need due to recent serious financial difficulties. To loose my job would mean bankruptcy.

The hopeless, helpless feels are inking back into my life. I have struggled soo hard to build up my life so that I can float above these feelings. It seems everytime I get my life back on track I get derailed.

I am very disappointed in what I have done to myself. I really let myself down and am struggling to reach for Faith while my depression is pulling me down.

Guess I just need to hear some words of encouragement as I am very discouraged and down today.

[Newleaf]

You are not alone hope, I feel the same way you do but atleast your chosing not to fall back in your depression and using it for something else. I have no faith and it's very very hard for me to get back on track if I sink again. One thing I'm really dissappointed in myself is how I look and my ability of not exercising. I have alot all motivation to get up and move around, the minute I do I start think about doing something else and I stop. Reading is very difficult for me now, I can read for a few minutes until I stop, a couple of years back in my early thirities, I read non-stop, there are alot of things I used to do then that I don't know. I'm in my mid thirites,36 to be exact, watching movies, my cats, are about the only interests I have at this point. It's sad, I should have more or accept this as my life?

Jennifer

[hope4me]

Could have been all about me what I read about you NewLeaf!!!! By the way, I love your nick (((hugs))) Thanks for responding to my post :)

I found depression interfers in my daily life and it becomes very difficult to do the simple things, such as read and carry a thought and follow through with it.

I have been off and on with my beliefs and so Faith is very difficult for me to deal with. I have been through so much over the past 8 years that something got me through...... so I have to believe it was my Faith, but it was completely blind Faith. I continue to catch glimpses of light at the end of a very long tunnel. Found a Christian store near me and have decided to purchase a Cross to put around my apartment to remind me of the subject of Faith. The post-its are working for now but I feel I need something more symbolic.

Right now, today, I need Faith to get me through the day. So, today I am spending time with myself doing things for me that bring me joy and happiness and taking it just 5 minutes at a time. Tomorrow will take care of itself, I guess.

Nice to chat with you !!!!!! Write back.

[Newleaf]

Are you on any meds or seeing a doc? Your really strong by thinking the way you do, I can't even get through the day anymore it gets harder but if you can do it so can I. I'll live in your faith

Jennifer

[Faith03]

Faith has been a source of trouble for me over the years as well, particularly recently. I can think of something good/hopeful, then in an instant it is erased when I remember the reality of my life.
Cheryl's message this week came at a dark moment for me too, and I wonder why now. Maybe I was just looking for something.
I wish that I could learn how not to let depression take over my life but it is so all-encompassing I just don't know. I hope so.

[Martin Wilson]

Hi Newleaf

How I identified with your thoughts around Faith !

I want to share briefly a little of my experience around the faith thing in the hope that it supports you in your journey.

For me, after years of not giving faith a look in I began to experience it. And I did it seems when I noticed a distinction between powerlessness and helplessness.

I reached a point when I began to experience powerlessness in situations. It didn't matter how hard I tried, everything just seemed to go wrong or be stacked up against me. And then I began to notice that when in such situations (when typically I was exhausted or had no more will to fight) that if I simply did nothing then somehow things improved or became more manageable. If I recognised when I was powerless (as opposed to helpless) and simply let go and trusted then there was usually an improvement of one kind or another. The more I recognised situations where I was powerless and simply trusted (had faith) in the outcome being one that would be OK for me then more and more that turned out to be the case. But I had to practise that (ie. let go and have faith ) and the more I did the more it happened.

It was also important for me to recognise that while I may be powerless I was not helpless and there were things I could do - but invariably they were things that were about me or close to me rather than things that involved trying to change external factors , circumstances or how others were behaving. And so I would do what I could but in a way that was gentle and constructive and about things that were readily and easily within my control. So I wasn't helpless but at times I felt (and continue to feel sometimes) powerless. But I simply let go and have faith and things are almost without exception, better.

I have recently posted a note about faith on this Community Board. I have had another recent test of faith mentioned in that note and I can say that since I posted that note that wonderful things have occurred - after my initial fear and lack of faith - and they have come about through me really owing the 'calmness' mentioned in the note and doing what I can and trusting the rest.

The faith journey can be arduous . All I can say is have faith in faith. It comes through 'doing' the faith, having the faith.

Warm regards
Martin

[sherelle1]

Hi,

This is just something to think about, but please do.

I left my job as a Quality Supervisor in 2000 because of a very bad situation coming to a head. I did not have any more fight left in me, so I quit. I also faced and went through bankruptcy. Guess what? I'm still here.

I wish I could see then what I see now which would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain. My struggles at work were partly because of an evil overlord(ess) who had issues never resolved. They were also because I was struggling with which direction my life should be going in. During this struggle, I bought "things" to make me happy, to seal my identity. I also made my job my identity. No one ever thought of me as important and my job made me feel successful and important. I was really drowning in helplessness and self-doubt.

In my case, I had to go through the fire of unemployment and bankruptcy but I came through the other side whole. I've made a career change and a location change. I finally listened to and did what my heart was telling me to do.

Please believe that I am not advocating bankruptcy. Having creditors hound you can take you almost over the edge. I wish I had known that being that close to the edge was a life-call. I wish I had listened to my inner self and the person I needed to be before it got to that point. I wish I'd had more "faith" in myself and the person I was meant to be. That was the problem, bottom line.

I want you to just take a few minutes and think about the person your heart of hearts is telling you that you should be. I don't know how to explain it, but I just have a feeling that this is a struggle and issue with you. You're in a place that you are not getting the respect you feel you deserve and it's not right. You have a purpose and you are special. The people around you in the workplace are not seeing it.

I don't advocate just walking away from your job without a plan, but there is something else you have to do with your life. You just have to figure out what it is and be smarter than I was by preparing for it while you still have a good income coming in. What is going on at the job is small potatoes compared to the greater thing that must happen in your life. My thoughts used to be constantly consumed by the coworkers which caused me such grief. Now, they are but a vague memory because I am where I'm supposed to be, and I'm doing what I am supposed to do. I'm not making as much money, but I am happier. The path I am on will lead me to make more money, though.

I don't want to use up too much bandwidth, but understand that there is a struggle in your life for a reason. I really believe it is time for a change, but maybe you will learn form my mistakes by getting more prepared financially for those changes than I did. Get rid of any excessive debt you may have and make a plan for your life. Set a goal on what you'd really like to achieve and have faith that you can achieve that goal. There's so much more I'd like to say, but will not due to space. All the best to you.

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

I logged on here and read this and I am shaking my head...ohhh, it sounds like my day today at work. I was so angry I vented something to my supervisor that I probably should've left alone. My boss apologized for not communicating with me on the issue I vented on but I was still angry. Well, I wasn't feeling good today so partly it was that. I can honestly sit here and say I am upset, I am tired of my job and the hardest thing about it is I can not afford lose my job now or quit. I want to hold on to FAITH and turnaround my spiraling attitude but let me say as serious and strong as I appear I came home today to tears.

[sherelle1]

Hi,
I will tell you something else that I hope will be of comfort to you. I know that rage you are feeling with work and your frustration with it. It all seems so wrong and unfair. I've felt it, so I know somewhat of what you are going through.

I wasn't able to see the forest for the trees because the pain was so bad. The need to be that new and different person was so strong, everything else paled in comparison. But I'm going to tell you something that I hope you take into your heart: There is a reason for the pain that you are going through. There is actually a purpose for it. You are being prepared, molded and shaped for your destiny. How can you be this great person that you want to be if you have all this unnecessary emotional garbage still in your life? I'm not saying that it all will just magically disappear one day and then, "Eureka!" you become this perfect person. What I am saying is that you have to be in a strong enough position to handle your pain and continue to grow. It may never completely go away, but remember, it's the journey that matters most.

The next most important thing is to remember that there is a time for every season and a season for everything. This is just my opinion based on my own experiences, but it gives me a sense of peace about the agony I felt from wanting things so badly in the past. I felt so ashamed of wanting things so bad and not being able to get them. Sometimes, things have to happen when they are ready to happen. Beating your head against the wall will not make it happen any sooner because you may not be ready for it. (Remember, this is just something to think about)

As I look at my life right now, today, I realize that two years ago, I had a fear of success that was almost completely dibilitating. I had a "lot" of anger inside I wasn't even aware of, and my spouse had emotional issues from his childhood that would have affected the two of us had I gotten what I'd wanted "right then". It would NOT have been pretty. It would have done more harm than good. In short, I wasn't ready.

Today, the things I've wanted and longed for are falling into place at an almost frightening pace and even though I still fear success, it doesn't have the hold on me it used to have because I know that this is my time. Even though I'm 45 years old, it's still "my time". It's "my season".

It takes some people (like me) years to understand their pain and start learning from it, and it takes others weeks or months; I believe there is a reason for both. The good thing about this is that you can start this journey in the place that you are. You don't have to "arrive" anywhere to start learning from your own pain. Since it is so important to hold on to the job, I pray that you will find the inner strength to realize that things are not hopeless, just in transition.

Right before I moved, I was in a temporary job where I had some issues with one particular person (who is actually now a friend). I felt I couldn't go on another day because the situation just reminded me of what was wrong with my life. Then one day, I had an epiphany. I just knew that I was leaving the area to start a new life. I didn't know how, but I knew it was going to happen. I went with that for a while (because it made me feel better!) I'm paraphasing a bit, but one definition of faith is believing in something even though it's unseen. That's what I was doing.

Then my brother started really insisting that I move to Maryland with him. He was going through a divorce at the time and needed moral support for him and the kids, and he knew my husband and I needed a place to stay while we regrouped. I finally gave in and my husband and I made the decision to move. I can't explain the feeling to you, but I knew I'd made the right decision and that it was the beginning of something special and important. I actually started feeling good about getting up and going to work every morning, because finally, I believed I was on the right track.


There were many who were very sad at my leaving, especially the person I'd had prior issues with. It turns out that we were more alike than different and never realized it. (There's always a reason people at work do what they do when you are at odds. Many times they are more insecure than we are!) Even still, I knew I had to move on. I think there is general disorder when a person is standing still. As human beings with human spirit, it seems to contradict everything we are about which is why it feels so wrong. That is also why we try new jobs, new fads, and anything else new to make ourselves better. It doesn't work though. You need a new "you" and you can't just throw yourself away and start over. You have to take the material you have to work with and, well...work with it.

So take the pain and the anger you feel right now and work with it. Don't try to throw it away-it's yours. Take a good look at it, understand it, and make it into something that will actually work for you instead of against you. That is what life is all about. As always, my heartfelt thoughts are with you, and with anyone else feeling as you do. Take care.

[maxcol]

Dear Hope4U

I am sorry to hear of your worries about your job and financial situation and I understand how depressing that can feel. It was very interesting about the day you didn't go to work and turned on your home computer to find Cheryl's newsletter about Faith. That is a happening that seems to be telling you something, as you recognised. Perhaps God is trying to communicate to you to let go of the steering wheel and allow him to do the driving ?
Similar things kept happening to me when my life was in chaos but unfortunately it wasn't until things became really desperate that I realised God had been trying to get my attention for a long time and on reflectionI recalled many incidences when he had desperately tried to communicate with me but I wasn't 'listening' … so unfortunately things just kept getting worse, one thing after another infinitum, until I did.. Now I realise God kept trying to get me to 'contact' Him to give Him the opportunity of influencing me, my choices and my life … to let go and give Him control. It took me a while to be able to relinquish that control though ! I now speak to him often, mostly every day and not always but mostly I get messages back from Him sooner or later. I just tell him things, speak to him as I would a Friend, ask him for help when I need it and always let him know how thankful and blessed I feel for his loving graciousness.
I have found the excellent In Touch monthly magazine posted out free through www.intouch.org an excellent read … informative and inspiring without speaking "at" you.

Best Wishes
and an Abundance of
Peace, Faith and Love

[sherelle1]

Dear Maxcol,

That was very good advice you gave. I know exactly what you speak of. sometimes, God is trying to get our attention. I just hope and pray and I can pay attention enough to hear what He's trying to say. Everything happens for a reason I know now. It's comforting to know that there really is a "plan"!

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

With all my pain, stressing because of constant thinking in RE: my financial and work problems. I just appreciate the words I've read here to help me get "on the road" again by giving thought to my situation.Push out my negatives. Mainly...to get a tight hold on FAITH because I do need it to get through each day. Deep inside me I know there's more to life than just worrying and thinking about how am going to do this or that. The other day I was joking around when I said "God is testing me"... but now I see some kind of TRUTH in it! I am still struggling and trying to stop my self sabotage thinking or letting others bring me down and making things worse. I am trying to let FAITH step in and play a bigger part of my life especially when I think of "when?" is what I am going through going to end. Yes, I know...its suppose to make me stronger and some things have made me stronger, its just my trying to get over to "the next level" when "boom" more obstacles come my way. That brings on my next question of why...and reading on I better understand its part of lifes lessons in the journey. I am still working on the journey vs arrival.

[sherelle1]

Dear Ray of Light,

You sound very positive in your last post. There seems to be a sense of strength and resolve as you speak. I believe you are going to find all of your answers. Some will come very quickly while others are hidden a little deeper and will take some self-revelation to come to light. It feels like you are on your journey now and I wish you the best. Don't forget to stop and smell the roses along the way!

[maxcol]

Thank you for your response to my message Sherelle.

About a month ago I saw the movie "Bruce Almighty …… " starring Jim Carry. You may have seen it. . "God' is trying, unsuccessfully, to get Jim Carry's character's attention.
Well it was that movie which pinged recollections of similar scenarios I had experienced some years ago. If you haven't seen the movie I thought it hilarious and very well done with an uplifting feel-good story-line. It's a visual interpretation of how God's relationship works with us, so for anyone wanting to have more Faith it's a must see.

Like Jim Carry's character in this movie, our daily focus and energy tends to be absorbed into personal goals, business, stress, strain and challenges I think…. so it's difficult (impossible?) to be in a spiritually receptive state let alone witness God's presence or message.

We need to remove ourselves from the cut and thrust of it all from time to time and just 'be' …. perhaps often in fact, and preferably somewhere quiet, so it's more likely we have the opportunity to see, hear and feel our lives on a more spiritual level

Regarding the In Touch Magazine I mentioned, they also have it available to read on their website at www.intouch.org

Best Wishes Sherrelle

Maxcol

[maxcol]

Sherrelle ..... the movie I referred to is actually called "Bruce Almighty"
... since I posted this however managed to edit and correct the movie title in my previous, but am unable to delete this one. Confusing.

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

TO ALL: HI! I WOULD LIKE TO MENTION SOMETHINGS WHEN I GET DEPRESSED. I NOTICED ITS TRUE HOW MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS LEAD INTO ANOTHER NEGATIVE ONE. I'VE NOTICED THAT I ASK FOR GOD TO HELP WHEN I AM SO DEPRESSED BUT WHEN I AM FEELING"OK" I DON'T SAY THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DAY (NOW I DO). I'VE NOTICED THAT ITS NOT AN EASY BATTLE WITH ALL THINGS AROUND ME. I'VE NOTICED THAT YES, SOMETIMS I FEEL ALONE BUT ITS BETTER TO HAVE MY OWN COMPANY THAN SPEND TIME WITH NEGATIVE PERSONS BECAUSE IT JUST TURNS ME BACK AROUND WHEN I AM GOING FORWARD.
SOMETHINGS THAT HELP ALLEVIATE THIS HOLE IN MY SOUL A LITTLE HAVE BEEN READING SELF-HELP BOOKS, SOME GOOD MOVIES, DISCUSSING THINGS I'VE HELD INSIDE FOR SO LONG, I LOOK FOR INSPIRING QUOTES AND WRITE THEM AND PLACE THEM WHERE I SEE THEM, JOURNALING HAS MADE SOME DIFFERENCE BECAUSE ITS LIKE RELEASING INSTEAD OF HOLDING IN. I'M BECOMNG MORE INDEPENDENT AND I SEE THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. YES, SOMEDAYS WANT TO STAY IN BED CRYING BUT NOW I OPEN THE WINDOW OR DOOR AND LET THE SUN COME IN AND MADE THE DECISION TO FIGHT... WITH FAITH FROM THE HAND TO THE HEART AND MIND!

[maxcol]

Hello RAYOFLIGHT4DI

I hear you and am glad. I'm not sure why, but after reading your message I thought of 1Corinthians verse 13. In fact have absolutely no idea why it sprung to mind. Maybe it has more to do with me, than you .... but I don't know.

[maxcol]

RAYOFLIGHT4DI

On reflection, recall now that while I was reading about what you expressed as an empty, or black, hole I thought about what I do in those times and the Bible came to mind, and then my favourite verse.... so, it was more to do with me rather than you and there was certainly no intention on my part to create anything 'mysterious'.

Regards and Best Wishes

[maxcol]

Something I have read lately which I think about and would like to share:

God's grace is a gift to be received, not a goal to be achieved.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast"
(Ephesians 2:8-9).

[skaycee]

To all of you out there struggling.....yes I believe too that there's something to the "faith" thing....whether it's "God" or "the Universe" or just our "higher selves" in action. But there IS something. If we can just trust in whatever it is that we believe in individually, things do seem to work out. And yes, being in pain does tend to make you stronger later on. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger?? ... something like that. An "attitude of gratitude" will go a long way toward making things better for you. Sometimes we pray & pray for things to get better in general, when what we really need to do is ask for a specific thing, and then Give Thanks (to God, the Universe, whatever) for a specific thing that came our way. Give thanks every day for the things that you DO notice were good in your life that day. Maybe keep an "answered prayer" journal. And keep faith and hope for those things you still need, always believing that God will send what you need, not necessarily what you want, and he'll send it in his time, not yours. Love and peace to all of you.

[maxcol]

Skaycee ….. thank you for your posting, it is well done and gives clarity to much that has been written previously on this thread.

I know I'm personally happier when I do acknowledge my blessings, no matter how small some of them may appear to be - blessings never the less. It's easy to get bogged down with all the negatives in day-to-day living, and concentrating only on those, I've found, is very depressing …. and unbalancing.

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

Thank you! Often when struggling I've learned the answer is FAITH because its help me overcome badtimes when I've gotten desperate and questioned why, why does this or that happen to me? These recent entries have reminded me that I am stronger. I've learned not only to pray to ask for help when I am down and out but to be thankful for another day, another chance to struggle for what I need and want.
Yes, obstacles are still in my way but today I am stronger because I have more faith than stress. Journaling and collecting inspiring quotes has help me so much and my attitude has improved because I have faith.

[judymarie]

To all who are thinking about "Faith" I have had many struggles lately, and was raised in a religious upbringing, but didn't stay with that religion once I married and started a life of my own. But I always felt that something was missing, and started to pray eveyday, not for things, but prayers of thanks, and prayers to help me become a better person, and to watch my mouth and attitude,(I am an opinionated, verbal person) and this really helped me, put a kernal of restraint in my mind, and made me more thankful for what I do have. So, what I'm getting at, is to always pray, pray for your loved ones and those who are suffering, and your day will go better and you will feel at ease with your life.

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

Judymarie:

I am not from a very religious famiy but throughout my childhood we went to church and Sunday school,etc. I am thankful for those times. I did the same with my children as I believe the early years have so much influence. Always on the move...Its been years since we've stepped into a church yet I do feel that faith is the answer. In a sense, its been filling my void when I feel I've failed because I am not successful in other areas of my life at my age.
At least now I look at the trials that have come and gone and I am sure more to come my way and I keep holding onto faith for it gives me the strength I need. Without it I get stressed and depressed, with it I feel can go on another day.