I feel paralized............

[rockinrobin]

I'm 45 and just feel paralized. I don't know how to get started to be the kind of person I thought I could be and always wanted to be..............taking a walk or cleaning the house just leaves me totally blah......I feel like I need a wake up call or something....?
Can anyone relate ?
Please help and thanks

[Nancy B]

rockinrobin,

Feeling paralized, and having nothing that gives you pleasure could be depression. Its a good idea to be checked out by a doctor or therapist.

Do you have a clear idea of the person you want to be? In chapter 6 of 'Take Time for Your Life' Cheryl talks about doing a treasure map. Cutting pictures out of magazines that represent who you want to be or what you want to have in your life and then putting them on a large piece of cardboard and posting it somewhere where you can see it every day.

Often when we're stuck we're thinking about everything that is wrong in our life. Guess what? We get more of whatever we are thinking about. The treasure map allows you to focus on what you want. It allows you to wake up in the morning and look at what you want and say: "If I was already there, what would I be doing right now?"

Also making a list of what nourishes you and doing it helps. You can list the things that nourish you on the 'What nourishes you?' thread on this message board so it will always be where you can find it, and you can check out everyone else's to be inspired with new ideas. Remember, we get more of what we think about.

[rockinrobin]

Thank you for your ideas and interest. I'm going to give the Treasure Map a try !

[sherelle1]

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that I can definitely relate. I went through that for almost two years. I dropped out of music and singing many years ago and fought the desire to go back even though it was the desire of my heart. I tried to pour myself into my job, my house, my marriage, but nothing worked. I bought things and ran up my debt trying to find my identity and it did not work. I was finally backed against the wall and realized that life was too short not to do what you love in life.

I made a career change and a physical move to an area that had more opportunities for contemporary jazz singers/songwriters. I still work a regular job, but I am not only singing out, I'm singing big. Tomorrow, I will sing the national anthem for the Washington Mystics for the second time. I have a newspaper interview right after that concerning how hard it is to sing the song, and I am going to sing in a musical about Anita Baker.

Two years ago, I had the exact same symptoms that you did. I'm 45 years old too. I know how hard it is to cope when you feel that way. I just want to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life does go on and your heart aches because the desire of your heart is not fulfilled. It won't go away until you feel like you are heading in the right direction and there is no getting around. You were meant to be happy and whole, not paraylyzed with fear. You will still have struggles, but oh the joy of doing what you want with your life! Don't give up.

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

I feel the same way...I was doing good with reading, journaling, and doing the weekly exercises from one of Cheryl's books. Then this weekend I felt unmotivated and stood in bed and I let my thoughts get control and I thought of one negative thing and it led to another and another. My financial problems that I kept thinking of just brought more past mistakes into mind and how I don't go out anywhere becasue i don't feel like but deep inside i want to go out and do fun things if I knew what and how. I think its true...your thoughts are like magnets (I read that somewhere too) I feel like I keep gettting knocked down and still not getting where I want to be. I don't feel like cleaning or working but I do it and as I work its a long day as I do my work but look at the clock constantly. At home its more of "Feeling paralized"...thats a way to put it. I want to feel alive , to have the motivation to keep on doing things to better my life situation and reach my goal.

[sherelle1]

Dear Ray of light,

I used to wonder why I went through what I went through. Now I realize that when you come out on the other side, or even when your head is above water long enough to take a look around, you see that there are others around you who are struggling to stay afloat as well.

I will tell you what I have learned and maybe it will help you. Like you, I did all right at work, but when I came home, I was paralyzed. That is because I made my job my identity. I was good at it and I needed that validation, so it became "who" I was. Outside of work, I had no life, even though I was married. In my heart of hearts, I knew that a job couldn't complete me, a husband could not complete me because there was something missing-a need to fulfill dreams and be the person God meant me to be.

When you speak of feeling paralyzed at home, it sounds so familiar to me. I used to weep because I just wanted to be "normal". My heart ached inside. Whatever happened to you, whatever caused you to become so sad is done, it's past, it's history. You can't go back and change it or fix it, you can only go forward.

There was a children's song that was sung on either a movie or a television special that went, "Put one foot in front of the other-and soon you'll be walking out the door" Right now, you are in a room of self-doubt, fear, anger, hurt, pain and sadness. It has, more or less, any combination of these ingredients, but they are all there. There is a door to the room, but something keeps telling you that it is locked and you can't get out. You're either too afraid, too sad, too angry or too hurt to try the knob, even to walk up to the door. You are "paralyzed".

Should I tell you that these emotions will magically disappear when you start making those steps towards the door? No, because I would be lying. It is a struggle because these emotions have had control of your life for so long, they are not giving up their territory without a fight. But I can tell you that each step you take towards getting out of that room will strengthen you and help you face the pain and heartache that has controlled your life for so long. With each step, you will see more and more clearly, that the door to the room is not locked, that it's not even closed. You were just tricked into believing that it was.

The first step is to be honest. You are not happy and you want to be doing something-anything other than what you're doing right now. Ask yourself what it is and remember what you answered. Your heart of hearts will not let you go until you start your journey towards it. So you see, you really have no choice. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can start to live again.

And here is the ultimate secret to happiness: It's not the destination which gives us the most joy, it's the journey there. When you and I are in that room, we think that the key to happiness is achieving this goal or that goal; to "arrive". (I know I did) The biggest epiphany I've ever had is when I realized that even though I was sad, I was still a part of the game of life. So now, I live. I live with my pain, I live with my joy, but I live. Decide to live, right where you are in that little room. That is the first step to happiness. The second is understanding how special you really are and how much you belong in this world. No matter how sad you feel, you are still special. Even through the tears, you are worth something-you have worth.

Sorry to use so much bandwidth, but I know how desperate this situation can get for someone caught in the "moment" of this pain and agony. My hope and prayer is that someone finds the strength to open that door and come outside to play in the sunshine.

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

THANK YOU for your words. You hit most, if not all, as I sat here reading and it brought tears to my eyes because these words ring true to the things I feel and mistakes I've made. The more I think about it I see that I find myself unhappy and going in circles struggling to get onto a new path. I've continued a cycle of jobs I don't really enjoy but at the same time I lack self-esteem, confidence, and some experience to do something else. You used the word "arrive" and that is exactly "it" for me because I think I've made the mistake believing that I'll be happy when I "ARRIVE" at my goal rather than focusing on now... while I take the journey. Partly, it comes down to somethings that some people have said to me that I come back to mind. I struggle to make a dream of mine a reality and it may not make sense to the people who have this already but to me it means my life. I have had financial problems and I want to purchase a house. To make a long story short, I tried and failed and it hurt me so much I even quit working for a while. Well, I got back up with my husbands support and found another job so that I could go at it again. Some of the obstacles I face is keeping up with my spirit, my faith, my motivation,etc (you get the idea) along with my partners because we talk but we hardly do anything productive towards this goal and no positive support from our parents. We want to show our children that if you try long and hard enough you can have a dream and work at it to make it happen an don't let anyone tell you its not meant for you or its not possible. I don't want my children to go through what I did by not finishing college because I let words and financial circumstances get in the way. When I told my mother I started college, instead of words of encouragement, it was more of why make such a costly mistake and I quit, when we lost the deal for a house after being so close, instead of saying sorry for your loss, it was more like oh well better you lose it now than later. So you see...these are some of the things that have caused me pain, my struggle to make things change...but now I will do my best to see it and live as a journey and not an arrival.Thanks for your words, they really touched me! This board helps me not feel so alone or hopeless.

[sherelle1]

Hi,

The one thing when reading your post that stuck out to me is that when you reached out for support or encouragement, it was not given to you. As painful as that is, one thing I've learned is that the offender cannot become the focus of your life. It's a waste of energy that's keeping you all locked up inside. That situation may never change, so if you're waiting on it to, you will just be standing still the rest of your life. I've let so many external influences keep me immobilzed emotionally for so long. It's like you are a whipping post letting whosoever and whatsoever beat you down. Before you know it, so much of your life has passed you by because of external influences.

Don't let anyone take you down that road. it is such a waste of time and energy. I try to look at those who hurt me with pity instead of anger now. Definitetly not an easy task, but if you can take yourself to that level, you would be amazed at how much stronger you can become. Let no one control you advertently or inadvertently. The first step to self confidence is taking yourself back. Sometimes those who do such things to you are inadvertently controlling. They may not know exactly why they do what they do, they just know that what they do pushes your buttons.

Again, sorry to be so long-winded, but this is coming from the heart. All the best ot you.

[RAYOFLIGHT4DI]

Hi
Thinking again I've seen the pattern of getting up and getting knocked down over and over. When looking for encouragement and POSITIVE words of advice I don't get them and its drains me and my energy to GO FOR IT. When I tried and didn't suceed it changed me. Part of me feels I am strong to do the things I need to do and then comes the other side of thoughts regarding TIME,WASTING TIME, TIME RUNNING OUT. I've been soul searching about ways of being more productive and not focusing on the things I didn't do, should've done and the things I don't have because of them. I realized some often things draining me are not only people who bring on negativeness which then I absorb or get sucked into somedays, but also being realistic about the things I want and need and deserve. I definitely don't work in something I love because I feel like a 9-5 robot doing the same thing everyday and waiting for the day to be over. I don't like being around pople that complain becaue it depresses me when I am trying to keep positive in order to get through the day. Another thing is I don't find anything in common with them.
I am more on the artistic side but I stopped doing the thing I loved, still love but hasn't been a part of life for many years and yet I have done noting to do the things I love for reasons,excuses that have to do with TIME and MONEY. I am learning more eachday about myself. ok, thanks again for those words that have gotten me thinking of getting back up again and again and again....that it's INSIDE me and to take control of myself by not letting someone else control me, my energy and mood by negative comments.

[sherelle1]

OOh,

I zeroed right in on the "artistic" comment. Eureka! That's the problem, friend.

I am a singer/songwriter in the contemporary jazz music genre and I can't tell you how agonizing your plight is going to be until you start using your gift in some form "forthwith" (smile). You will never be happy in this 9 to 5 job or any other 9 to 5 job until you come to terms, to peace with using your gift.

My advice to you is start doing something on a small scale. Sometimes we think we have to be as noteable as a Van Gogh or a Lena Horne in order to use the gift God gave us, but that is not true. Don't get me wrong, my aspiration is to be a "successful" artist, but one thing many overlook is the fact that you can't hide, bury, or otherwise cover up "the love" for the art; the gift that you have deep down inside. I'm going to tell you from over twenty years of experience: IT DOES NOT GO AWAY; IT DOES NOT ALLOW ITSELF TO BE BURIED. It will turn you inside out until you give in to it, or it will torment you to your dying day because it is a part of you.

So do yourself a favor and sit down and think about what I'm saying. Getting back to doing what you love is not as difficult as your heart is trying to make it if you just start making small steps towards it. The first song I wrote when I finally decided to go for it is called, "Do What You Love" and it is also going to be the name of my CD when it's finished.

I know how frustating it is to be low on funds when you have a project in mind, but if you can't do what you want, do what you can. I started my recording project one session at a time. I have five songs recorded and working for two or three more. It is do-able. Beleive in yourself, believe in your talent and take the first step! All the best to you as I am definitely rooting for you!

[Shauna]

Hi All!

I just joined today and this is the first thread I read because I have been feeling the exact same way as rockinrobin and rayoflight. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone in the way I'm feeling.

I always thought my situation was unique and that I'm the only one with the severe financial problems that I have. While some people claim to be at rock bottom, I feel even below that.

Someone my age (40's) should not still be living paycheck to paycheck with no savings or property of any value whatsoever. I also have a grown child with her husband and children living with me so I don't even have a place I can call my own. They have taken over the house and my life and believe me I get told almost every single day what an idiot I am to let them do this, that I should kick them out etc. But they don't have any money either and I can't do that to my grandkids who are 3 and 1. If it was just my child, then no problem. They have applied for housing assistance but the waiting list is 9 months to a years time.

Besides even if they weren't living there my financial problems wouldn't be gone because they had nothing to do with those and I would still be paying the same bills. Their presence just adds to my stress level and leaves me with no place to go for peace and quiet.

I'm working two jobs now and don't have a house payment or rent due to the fact that I am living in a house provided for me in a trust fund. Which makes me feel even worse because I should be doing so much better for myself under these circumstances. But everything seems to be crashing down around me now. Everywhere I turn something is breaking and more people are taking money from me. I am running out of answers and feeling very overwhelmed.

Is there anyone out there in any kind of similar circumstance who can give me some advice or refer me somewhere for help? I would appreciate any advice or encouragement offered, believe me!

[sherelle1]

Dear Shauna,

I really know how you feel. I'm in my 40's as well and starting over. You would be surprised at how many people in the middle years of their life are starting over. Please don't feel as if you are alone. You took the first step by joining this forum. Know that there is a lot of love and support with people in a similar situation and believe that somehow, things are going to change for you.

I just moved to a new area a year ago to start my life over and my brother was kind enough to take me and my husband in for a year until we were able to afford our own place. While we lived with him, we were very concerned about giving him and his two children space to the point where he had to make us come out of our room! Children are different in that sometimes they feel that the parent "owes" things to them even after they are grown and on their own. I'm not judging, but it really is something that happens quite frequently.

I applaud you for helping your daughter and her family out in what must be a very difficult situation. I understand that you cannot just put her out because of the kids, but you can sit her and her husband down and talk to them about your needs as well. Do you feel taken advantage of? Are you being verbally disrespected, or is it just the fact that there are little ones running about causing natural confusion? Do you feel your daughter respects you as a person or do you feel she just sees you as a meal ticket? These are things you have to ask yourself.

I don't think you are an idiot for helping your family, but help sometimes has to come with boundaries that you must be willing to enforce if necessary. Whatever issues you have with your daughter and her family, you have to sit down and talk to them about it and set boundaries of behaviour in your home, explain the consequences of what will happen if those boundaries are not respected, and be prepared to follow through on those consequences.

I have a grown daughter as well and she has always been respectful, but steel-willed. We are like good friends now that she is an adult. One of the boundaries that we have set is that she will always talk respectfully to me at all times because I am her mother and I deserve that respect for bringing her into the world. It has helped her deal with other people better and has made her a better person. It's hard to stand your ground sometimes, but it is so worth it. My boundary from her is that I also give her respect as a daughter and an adult. I don't boss her around or talk down to her. When you do talk to your daughter try to always keep it respectful so that the lines of communication can remain open. Put any anger, hurt, or frustration aside and stick to the issues that are causing problems.

Sometimes, it feels like you have an overwhelming mountain to overcome when you are thinking of everything that needs to be changed in your life, but tackle one mountain at a time. Your immediate surroundings needs to become a place of peace and refuge as much as possible. This way, you can calm your mind and think about how you can start taking steps to change your life. Stick with us because we will be here for you! All the best.

[sagithree]

Wow! I just finished reading these posts here and it was like reading my own story. I've read so many similar sounding stories, it's amazing! Not only do I NOT feel alone anymore, but I feel like leading the charge for us all to go after our dreams! :)

Sherelle - you're words are much appreciated. You have touched many of us even if we don't all post in response. I had to tell you how positively it impacted myself to read your words.

I laughed when you mentioned song words "put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door". I LOVE that song! It's from one of my favorite TV children's Xmas specials "Santa Claus is Coming to Town".

Mickey Rooney is the voice of Kris Kringle who sings the song; he'd given the Winter Warlock a choo choo. It melted his icy heart. But then the Warlock thinks he's forgotten how to "be" in the world. "Put one foot in front of the other..." In case you're wondering...LOL I'm 40 yrs old!

And this story applies to those of us who've been "stuck", surrounded by negative people, and not living the lives we dream of. For too long we've let external influences blind us to what our hearts truly want.

I too worked at a job I disliked. I wasn't using my talents. I live with negative people (not for long). I'm in the process of changing the life I was living and that was making me sick.

I've been asked by several people, friends, a career counselor, a personal counselor,...if I was suffering depression. I haven't been diagnosed by a doctor. But from all I've read, it appears that is the case.

I've been able to work through the depression by doing as Coach Nancy recommends, doing things that nourish me. It helps to shift my focus from negative to positive. I even created a file for myself for when I get sad or angry...it has coping exercises, like writing down the negative thoughts then writing next to that thought a positive thought to dispel the negative one. I also have a list of my positive qualities to review (for when I forget all I DO have). Another file item I included are inspirational stories, articles that I've come across at various times thru newspapers, mags, the internet - that I save for these emotional "rainy days".

There's no question having a written game plan helps to focus me on what I want. And as for the collage Nancy speaks of us doing, it taught me a lot about myself. First, I have all the supplies for it. I've been hung up on taking the last step by gluing them to the posterboard. That was very telling. It represented my hang ups; how I fear making mistakes, wanting to be perfect in all I do (yes, serious control issues here I know LOL) I didn't want to "commit" to a particular arrangement of the pics; what if I changed my mind? The pics are glued down so I can't rearrange them or change them. That may sound goofy. But I realized, it was symbolic of how I behave & make decisions in the rest of my life.

Once we get to know ourselves, it's easy to start making decisions, pursuing dreams, setting boundaries. We will listen to our own hearts. And when naysayers try to rain on our parade, we'll see their negativity is THEIR hang up. They don't have more power over us, unless we give it to them. We will look inward, trust our own instincts, take those risks we once found terrifying.

I'm taking one step at a time myself; there IS light ahead. I finally realized, the door to that room of negatives that Sherrell talks of (great description, by the way!) with the anger & hurt & doubts, we've had the key to unlock the door the whole time.

Our minds are incredible things! With a single thought, we can affect our emotions, which affects our actions, which affects us even physically! All we have to do is shift our thoughts...from negatives to positives...and from doubt to belief. That's what they mean when they say "mind over matter" and "believe and achieve".

Thank you all for sharing your stories & advice. These are gifts to all of us who read them! Thank you!!! :)

[sherelle1]

Dear Sagithree,

Thank you for remembering where that song came from! I could not for the life of me remember!

The exercises that coach Nancy has recommended seem to be working very well for you. They sound like they will make someone take a literal "step" to overcoming the paralyzing fear in their life. We should use that song, "Put One Foot In Front of The Other" as a theme song for getting over paralyzing fear! Combined with the exercises, it would be unbeatable! :)

I like what you are saying about getting to know oneself. I'm over 40, and you would think that I would have gotten it by now. I totally agree that is the key to becoming and staying strong. I also like what you said about trusting your instincts. I think not trusting them is the single greatest thing which kept me paralyzed for so long.

I want to say this as a note of encouragement instead of it sounding like I'm tooting my own horn. Today I found out that I have a radio interview next week on Voice of America concerning what it's like to sing the national anthem before a large audience. It had to be approved by my employer because it is also about them, but it will happen. Two years ago, I remember thinking that my life was over. I remember not being able to get out of bed and being paralyzed with fear and dread, and hopelessness. I'm here to tell you that starting from the place where you are, and putting one foot in front of the other is the only way to get out of that paralyzing rut.

With that, I'm going to sign off now. My name is Sherelle Cary Smith, and I am so glad I didn't give up. Take care.