New member desperate for good advice

[elizabeth]

HEllo everyone! This is my first thread.
I just got turned on to Cheryls' site through a magazine at my local YMCA.
I am so glad to be here. I have been praying that God helps me to get out of this "funk" I have been in this summer.
I am usually a very positive person but as of late I have been down in the dumps for no partucular reason.
Here's my story;
I am a single mom of four. Two boys, two girls, ages 8,11,15 & 17.
I also work for myself at two very P.T. jobs (this is due to lack of motivation to work them right now). I love what I do but each of them requires self marketing and I can't seem to try, nor do I even care to try right now.
I have always had a mental block that as soon as my kids returned home from school, my workday was finished. I couldn't market, send flyers out or anything else productive to advance in my business.
Well, now it's summer and I have the same mindset. It's total coas around here and I just can't focus! Nobody cares to listen to me the first time I tell them to do anything. It has to lead to me screaming before they react.They don't put things away after themselves and the house is a mess.
I have to be the biggest "B" to my kids because I nag & yell at them all of the time.
This isn't me at all. I am really very much like a duck and let the things that bother me just roll off my back. Maybe that is the root to all of this. I have been too passive with my children all of their lives and now they don't take me seriously.

Another thing that I believe is the root to this problem is my disorganization. I just can't stand it! It is driving me CRAZY! I don't have anything in its place. Yesterday I looked everywhere for something I desperately needed and finally found it put away where it should have been.Knowing myself though, I didn't even think to look there (when I did I was frustrated from looking so long, but quite proud of myself).
I had a friend come over on Monday and she helped me to get my kitchen cabinets organized. It now feels so good just knowing that behind those cabinet door lies organized, all of my Hamburgar Helpers!My kids are even showing their friends!
That's funny but sad- if your home is in such shambles that your children are proud of organized food!

Needles to say, I have to change many things in my world to get back on track at this point. I am so overwhelmed that I can't think straight. Now, as a result to not marketing myself, I am at the bottom of my reserve $$$ and am feeling a financial crunch.

Can somebody help!!!!! I need advice galore! I think I am going bonkers! I have often though of writing Oprah about this. The coas in my life could make for an interesting movie, or at least an interesting Oprah show! My need for order is certainly more important than someones' decorating dilema (It's funny I say that. One of my jobs is in decorating)!
I'm truly finding myself in a sistern that I can't climb out of!
If any of you can offer some advice. If anyone has been in my shoes and pulled out of this "funk", please tell me how you did it!
I would love for all of you to see my happy-go-lucky nature, but I have to get through this first.
Thanks so much!
God Bless your day!
Elizabeth
P.S. If you know Oprah- let her know what a good show this could be! Ha!

[KarenR]

Elizabeth,

It sounds like you are very overwhelmed. Two of your kids are old enough to help out with chores. Delegate some tasks to them and don't let it be an option. Explain to them that you are feeling overwhelmed and would really appreciate their help. They have probably noticed that you are stressed out and may feel better helping ease the stress. If they are feeling good about the cabinets being organized they will probably feel really good about your whole household being organized. Involve them, it will give them a sense of self-worth.

As far as your business, you mentioned sending out flyers. can your kids sit down with you and stuff envelopes? Make it a family activity. Talk and get something done at the same time. Pay them for every envelope they stuff, stamp, address... whatever.

If you start with one thing to get control over, other things will follow. It gives you energy and inspiration. I think you'll see a difference in your kids as well.

[elizabeth]

Hello Karen!
Thank you for the good advice. You make it sound so easy.
I have tried getting my teens to help but it's a struggle and I am tired of fighting. I do desperately want to sit down and talk to them. I have tried to but I haven't made them. That's what I am going to have to do. I want them to see me as a person, not just a btichy mom.I try to tell them that if they would just listen to me the first time I wouldnt be this way and they would see a different side of me.
As far as having my kids help stuff envelopes, I do on occasion have them help with invitations and such. It eases my workload. I wish I could afford to pay the kids. That would help tremenduosly. I don't have the extra $ to give them an allowance at this point and they really would like that.
You thoughts were a big help. I will save your message for future reference.
Have a blessed day!
Thanks for caring!
Elizabeth

[KarenR]

I don't mean to make it sound easy because it won't be. If you want to set boundaries when there haven't ever been any, people do not like it. With consistency, however, they will learn that you mean business. It will be tough at first, but your kids will come to know things have changed and it will become easier on you.

If you can't offer them $ for helping you, is there anything else you can barter with? A sleepover, stay up later, whatever will motivate them.

I believe that kids really want guidance from parents. If you do it often enough they'll know the boundaries.

Good luck.