New Member needs support

[shaboat]

I found this site through an article in "Family Circle" magazine. I know I desparately need a life makeover, but seem to find excuses why I can't do anything about it. I am widowed and have 2 grown daughters. My husband was killed in an accident over 2yyrs ago. He truly was my soul mate. It has taken me over 2 yrs of downhill behaviour to realize I cannot continue this way. I have used his death as an excuse too long and it is time for me to look in the mirror and take control of my life. I have grown lethargic, overweight and have been on a spending spree for the two years. My house,finances, and body are totaly out of control, I can not find anything -- I am late paying bills because I don't open the mail for weeks. I work from my home , but don't have energy enough to give it 100 percent. I gues what I am looking for is support-- to help me through the weight loss and through the attitude adjustment that I need to become a whole person again and gain control of my life

[la4959]

I understand exactly how u feel. I lost my soulmate to cancer in 2000 and have been on a steady downhill spiral ever since. I have let everything go including myself. I haven't had a haircut in about a year and have been in sweats ever since I left my job, which has been 1 1/2 years. My health has been steadly declining in the past 3 years. I even had quit my job after 6 years because I was no longer up to doing anything. I am a recovering alcoholic who also had taken to drinking to no longer feel the pain. It took me 2 years after his death to finally get there. The pain is incredible and it doesn't go away, it puts a whole different stress on you when someone who is your soulmate passes so young and so quickly and it's even more difficult when there are children/grandchildren involved, who do u share the stuff that goes on in their lives with? And even if there is someone there u can talk to about them, it's just not the same.
I am also in desperate need of a life makeover on all levels. :)
What I have come to realize is that I will never get over this and I am not meant to, he has been a major part of my life for 26 years and that is not ever going to go away. When I realized my drinking was just another part of me feeling sorry for myself instead of drowning my pain away, I was drowning myself in self-pity. So I have given up drinking again because it's not the answer and I am responsible for raising my grandchildren (ages 6 and 8, girl and boy) whom I've had for 4 years and just can't afford for me to feel sorry for myself. The depression and anxiety I have lived w/for the past 3 years can be overwhelming at times.
I am so tired of not caring about me because I can't get past these feelings. He will always be w/me, I just need to learn how to move forward and that has become the hardest thing for me to do now. But I have faith that if I work w/these message boards and do the Take Action Challenges, that my life will get better and I won't feel so miserable and angry because there is no longer any life for me. I need to find me again and I believe this may be the way to start.

[sherelle1]

Hello to both of you. My heart pours out for your losses, but I am so proud of you for finding this message board. Actually, I think both of you have already taken the first step by trying to communicate with others about what has caused you so much pain.

I wrote a post on "Feeling Paralyzed" that was a little lengthy, but you might be able to relate to it. I speak from experience and from the heart. I care what happens to people and my heart breaks to see such sadness.

I would really advise you to keep posting to each other about the grief that you have suffered. I know from the experience of losing my mother from injuries in a car crash that my life would have been so much better if I would have had someone to talk to about her at the time. My entire family was absolutely shaken and devestated by her death and it took over ten years for any of us to get to the point where we could even talk about it. The result was that I buried her memory to the point where I could not even effectively grieve. I became numb and very sick physically because I let it poison my body and my soul for years.

I just lost a dear friend who was struck and killed by a hit and run drunk driver while waxing his car in front of his home three weeks ago. Ray struggled to get through life and had many emotional ups and downs, but one thing Ray did which I will forever treasure is that he tried to live and enjoy his life the best way he could. We all had a chance to spend a vacation week together at the beach in 2001 and I can see him saying something one night when we were all sitting on the balcony watching the ocean at sunset. He looked around at his dearest friends and his girlfriend at the time, smiled with that Willie Nelson look-alike face and said, "You know, it doesn't get any better than this." We all smiled back at him and agreed. That memory has made his death so much easier to endure.

What I've learned is that those whom we love so dearly who have passed away need us to celebrate their lives so that they can keep living in our hearts. Ray would be so upset if he knew we were spending our time crying over him and not celebrating the person that he was. It is helping me deal with the death of my mother who believe it or not, died in 1983, twenty years ago this August. My father's death in 1994 has been difficult as well, but my mother's death devestated everyone including my father because of the sweetness of her spirit and what she gave to everyone and anyone.

I have a suggestion: If you can't share your memories of your loved one with others, write it down. Write down all the wonderful things and the wonderful times that made you laugh and smile. Celebrate them and help them to continue to live in your hearts. When I talk about my mother, my father, or Ray, I feel like one more person understands how special they were. I feel them live.

At the time, I asked God why did this happen? I could not see any good from it and did not understand. But now I see that other people are going through the same thing. We all need to help each other. When you get better, reach out and help someone else in memory of the one you loved and lost.

[lynn]

Sherelle....that was an excellent pick me up....I lost my mom to cancer in 1981, it was horrible on her, for what she suffered, and horrible to the family as well....We too asked God, why her....when the answer is why anybody.....We can keep their memory alive, and help someone else going thru it....We cant help what happens, but we can help how we deal with our cards....we maybe will be taught to take that much more care of ourselves and others. Life is fragile, handle it with Care!

You, and all who read, God Bless, and keep the support going!

[viclady]

Sherrelle,
Wonderful post.

You hit it on the head when you said "What I've learned is that those whom we love so dearly who have passed away need us to celebrate their lives so that they can keep living in our hearts. Ray would be so upset if he knew we were spending our time crying over him and not celebrating the person that he was."

I think you are so right and we have to change our mindset about those who have died and left us. We begin to make it about us and not about them anymore. I know if I died I would want my friends and family to keep me alive by the memories I have created. That is also why I have decided to ensure that I create wonderful memories, that I am fun to be with, that the kids enjoy being with me, that I develop myself to be the best that I can be. One of my nieces and I have started a 'memory bank' where we're placing written memories into the bank. We're also asking all our friends and families to give us some memories for our memory bank.


Shaboat (sorry don't know your name). You already stated the answer to your delimma - lose weight and make an attitude adjustment to become a whole person again and gain control of your life. It is all within your control and nobody can help you with the exercising and eating better. Also find a hobby to occupy your mind while you work through all of this. Read Cheryl's or Dr. Phil's books. I have started cake decorating and feel like a kid with fingerpaints.
Good luck and please keep in touch so we know how you're doing.

[skaycee]

For people trying to lose weight and become healthier in general, there's an excellent book out called the Schwarzbein Principle, written by Dr. Diane Schwarzbein. The way of eating she describes is probably somewhat like the Atkins diet, but it's not a diet per se. She explains in ways that I could really understand, how & why this way of eating works to make us healthier. The book was recommended to me by my chiropractor. Body and mind really are connected and how we eat affects everything.

[April]

Boy am I glad to find all of you here! I have been a huge fan of Cheryl's since the first time I saw her on Oprah.

I lost my 19 yr old son to suicide 3 yrs ago and I have been a wreck ever since and it's been getting worse and worse as the days, months and years have gone by.

At this point I am house bound, agoraphobic, don't drive, won't leave my house w/o my husband. Been this way since December of 2001. I hate it but I don't know what else to do. I've read books about panic attacks and anxiety disorders and I'm seeing a therapist but I cannot continue because I'm out of $ and insurance doesn't cover all of it.

I work from my home. I used to do a lot of left brain thinking type business before my son died. Now I make candles and develop fragrances for cologne and bath product. It's fun and feels so freeing to me. It's brought color, joy and happiness back to my life, however, it is at home and I hardly ever see anyone or speak to anyone. It's all done over the internet.

I was just wishing tonight that some how some way I could find a way to find a way to help myself out of the hell I'm in. I want my life back. I want to drive, shop, eat out, walk and not feel like I'm going to faint, have a heart attack or burst into tears.

Oh how I wish I could afford good mental health care and a coach. But my husband is a police officer and isn't paid that well. We do the best we can. I have two surviving children as well to think of. One is 24 and out of the house and one is 17 and will soon leave for college. I'm 47 yrs old and perimenopausal. I think this is significant as well. I also have fibromyalgia and a whole host of dis-eases which affect my body, mind and spirit.

I am a fighter and surviver and I have been through so much garbage. I don't know how to get back on track and find my new normal. I really need this group so badly. Thank you for being here and thank you for listening.

[sherelle1]

Hello to everyone,

Boy, is this kind of dialogue needed! The anniversary of my mother's death is approaching and I must honestly tell you that the past few days have been very difficult. I have had to utilize every principal of celebrating life that we have discussed here. The question is: How do you accept the loss of someone that is extremely special and has given you such wonderful memories? I know the answer is to celebrate their life, but there is a struggle one must face to actually let that person go and move on.

I had a talk with my mother last night. As I said in an earlier post, for many years after her death, my family and I were devestated and lived in a state of denial about her death because it was too painful to think about. As one begins to take steps towards wholeness and living a fulfilled life, this issue has to be addressed. Last night was my night.

I wept and told my mother how very much I missed her and how proud she would be of my daughter graduating from college, of my brother making Chief and my other brother making Master Sergeant in the Air Force, and of me finally pursuing the dream of being a successful singer/songwriter-a dream she wanted desperately for me. ( I forget that she wanted that dream for me) I showed her my new apartment and brought her up to date on things happening in my life. Mentally, I hadn't done that for many years. I couldn't even bear to look at her picture for very long-it was just too painful. My mother was not ready to die, but she was not ready to live with being paralyzed from the neck down. It turns out that God wasn't ready for that either. We thought we would be taking her home in a few days, but instead, we were told that we would lose her in a matter of hours because her body started shutting down. It was a very terrible shock. I was the one she told that she was afraid. I was the one who prayed with her for the strength to die because she knew that I was a person of strong faith. When our prayer was over, she told me, "I'm all right now" and she died within the hour.


I think it is hard when you see a person struggle with trying to let go of life. I think it took a toll on me, but like so many in this thread, I want to keep moving forward. Thank you to everyone for such great ideas on how to preserve memories and for the book recommendation. It's all about helping each other through the tough times and trying to be happy today. Today, I feel that my mother is closer to my heart than she has ever been-and it feels good.