There's got to be more!!!

[stlgal]

Hi all,

I was so excited to see that Cheryl had created these message boards. I read one of her books a few years back and have referred to it often in times of need!

I feel almost silly posting this message on these boards, after pouring through messages of you all out there with much more serious issues than mine. I am hoping to find some way to help many of you posters, but without similar experiences, it is hard to find words to help you through your troubles. I will continue to work at this and would love to help support those in this community.

I am trying to figure out how to be happy again. What completely baffles me is that there's really no reason for me NOT to be. I have been married for three years and did so about a year after finishing college, putting me at the ripe old age of 26. I absolutely adore my husband and we get along amazingly well. We own a nice house in the suburbs and both of us hold full-time jobs in the city. Our two little (okay, they're HUGE) doggies fill out our family.

I have come to realize that my happiness "issue" has two roots: one, the insane time after graduating from college. I was in a job that required full-time travel and 12-hour work days, while planning a 300-person wedding and re-habbing our first house. There wasn't time for anything but WORK... whether it be on the house, the wedding, or at the office. I was a beacon of efficiency!!! There was no time for entertainment... what was that??? I believe, at that time, I lost the ability to relax and the ability to figure out what makes me happy.

The second portion of my happiness disappeared September 4, 2002, when my aunt and godmother was killed in a car accident on her way to work. It has completely thrown me. I had a hard time, for a long time, letting myself really "feel" anything, including feelings for my husband. This is slowly coming back, thank goodness, and I am able to allow emotions for family members back into my heart. I believe that was rooted in my fear that one day I would get a similar telephone call, learning that someone for whom I care a great deal simply disappeared.

Has anyone experienced a similar "now what?"??? I feel like picking up a few hobbies, especially ones that keep me close to home, would really help. I tried sewing for a while, even converted a spare bedroom to a craft room, but get so frustrated with projects because I can't complete them quickly enough. It's like everything in my life is a race and needs to somehow be streamlined or something. I'm turning into a flipping efficiency expert!!!

HELP!!!

Thanks!!!

[viclady]

You sound like one of my sisters who has said that her excitement glands have dried up. I have been lucky and still have that sense of wonder and excitement even when things go wrong. I was engaged to be married but he opted out. However,
I learned recently the importance of putting things into perspective and to live life to it's fullest.

I was depressed for a couple of months (which is foreign to me since I generally am never depressed). I was the driver and was involved in an accident with 2 of my sisters and my mother as passengers. My mother almost died but was 'lucky' to spend 3 weeks in the trauma unit. I am so grateful for her survival and the survival of all of us. The car was totalled and I cannot imagine the pain the rest of the family would have suffered if the 4 of us had perished.

I live alone, own my own home, have a great job in a male dominated field, have a wonderful, caring, supportive family (I have 5 sisters and a brother and my mother is alive thank God.).

I have lots of truly amazing girlfriends and we have started getting together for girls-nights out. I am one of the happiest persons I know. I invite my friends and family over as often as I can, I take yoga classes, have started cake decorating classes, took some interior design classes and have created an oasis in my backyard with flowers everywhere. I want for nothing -could always use more money but thats not too important. I still love my ex-fiance and would have loved to take that road of life but am just happy for the good memories - too many couples resent each other and I did not want that. I try to live every day to the fullest.

My advice, get involved in life, become active, join some organizations, take adult ed. classes. Do you think your aunt/godmother would appreciate your being unhappy because of her. She is just another angel that's been added to your life. Let her be happy in her new world.
As for your job- Do your job to the best of your abilities and then go home and forget it. Enjoy your wonderful husband and friends and family - that's what truly matters in the end.

[ejussila]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your godmother. When we lose someone so close to us, it can't help but bring up great fear. I understand completely how you might project that fear into worry about losing other close family members. I think the advise of the previous post might help you to keep your godmother present in your life. If you can do that you might start to find ways to manage your fears. I lost my dad 11 years ago when I was 30 years old. When I'm scared or hurt I do a mental excercise that helps me. I imagine a wonderful, beautiful place and create a warm environment, then I invite my dad to join me in this place, and imagine him as being present. Because I knew my dad so well, I can even imagine his responses to our conversations. I integrate his voice with my own problem solving abilities to work through difficult issues. This has taken some practice to do, but I have found it very rewarding.

As for the rest of your post, something I've observed about our society is that it dumps people out of college without providing a lot of support. After being supported and guided throughout our education, at graduation, we're pushed out of our support system and often life hits us like a wall. You have had a very concentrated experience in the post-college environment.
Getting married, starting a career, buying a house, building a household are all highly stressful activities, even though they can be rewarding, fun, enjoyable and great. You've done all of these things in such a short time, and I hope you can acknowledge these wonderful accomplishments as well as honoring the stresses you have felt. Little is said about life in one's 20's, but now that I'm in my 40's I look back and see my 20's as the most intense and stressful time of my life.

I think your instincts are right on to try some new hobbies. But, first I think you should consider how your tendency and habits of rushing through life might impede your ability to fully experience joy. If you can find ways to deliberately slow the pace of your life, even for a little bit of time, can help you to appreciate life. Cheryl Richardson talks about the importance of silent time in your life. Someone more intimate with her work might be able to point you to the best description of that in her books.
Also, taking time to spend in a natural setting, a walk in the woods, a sit-down by a lake or by the ocean, can help set the world into perspective.

Finally, try to find one or two hobbies, not more, where you can accomplish something in a short period of time. My hobby is cooking and it's great for accomplishing a rewarding goal within a limited time. I also took a sculpting class at an adult ed center. In this particular class, we finished a sculpture in one 3-hour session, which was rewarding. Another idea is photosafaris, where you decide how much film you'll shoot-- say 1 or 2 rolls, then you go out, shoot your rolls and stop. If you do this, and then have your film developed commercially, you might be surprised at the themes that express themselves in your vision.
This could lead to a longer photojournaling project, where you can add your thoughts to your images.

Finally, you might benefit from a support group-- this could be a grief management group or a life makeover group, or a young professionals network. It will provide you with a base of support to help you make the changes you want to make and start experiencing the happiness you should have in your wonderful life.

I hope these suggestions are helpful for you.

take care.

[Nancy B]

So many wonderful possibilities!

You have been through a lot. It takes time to heal.

Have you checked in with a therapist? Sometime when we go through a lot of stress our body reacts chemically and depression can be the result. There may also be a few grief pieces where you can use support to help you through the fear.

ejussila's suggestion of support is also important. Therapy personal or groups is one possiblity. Have you checked out Life Makeover Groups? A coach? A friend who you can share with?
Join us Monday night on the Life Makeover Telegathering. Support is good!

Listing what's important and what nourishes you can also be helpful. Reread 'Take Time for Your Life' for lots of ideas. Also a list of what delights you.

'Now what?' may be simply slowing down and reorienting around what's important. Know that you took the first step by posting.
Congratulations!

[Emmybear]

It took one phone call to realize what a wise soul you are. I personally have wasted to much time apologizing for being myself that certain people who would probably be my friends got lost along the way. I too got lost but I am slowly finding my way back.I refuse to take those little Zoloft pills but have chsoen to really look within and find my way back to me.. Thanks- Nancy