Inconsiderate Husband

[angelbird]

I've been reading Stand up For your Life everyday for about a week now. I'm new to this so I sort of hesitate on sharing my feelings and communicating with others. I married a man alot older than me. He has 4 grown children, 3 of which won't do for themselve. And one my age who doesn't even try to get a job of anykind, who lives with us. When ever I try to talk to my husband about my feelngs or what's bothering me, he laughs or say that I have no right to feel that way. I'm trying very hard to change my life for the better, but it seems that he just wants to put our lives on hold so that he can make his grown children's lives happy and comfortable. I just don't know what to do.


Sincerely,
Stacie

[stlgal]

Stacie,

I can't say that I can empathize with your situation, since I'm not in a similar one, but I'll try and toss out a few ideas that could possibly help!

You have to remember that these are his children. They've been around a long time in his life... longer, obviously, that you have, given your age and the time that you've known your husband. He's attached to them! Asking him to choose between you and them... or to move his time focus somewhat from them to you can be a very difficult task, especially if there was a significant time gap in the time between his relationship with the children's birth mother and you. He may just not be used to juggling his time and attention well.

That said, things do need to change. How do the grown children feel about your relationship with their dad? If there are issues between you and the children, chances are he's getting their side of the story when he's with them. Perhaps, if there are problems, sitting down with these children and discussing these issues would help, either on your own, or with your husband.

The grown child living at home and not searching for a job? Completely unacceptable in my household. Maybe all this child needs is a little assistance or motivation? Directing them to sites like monster.com or hotjobs.com could be a first step. And realize that, until this child gets a job, they're not going to move out!

Make your feelings known to your husband at a time when things are going well.... when he'll be less likely to be defensive. Make sure you explain yourself well, and tell him how much the current sitaution hurts you.

If none of these direct approaches seem to work... get sneaky! But it a good way. Plan activities for just the two of you, in a way, forcing him to go out with you and only you. Grab theatre tickets. Make dinner reservations for two. Even going for a walk after dinner gets you away from the stay-at-home child. Maybe him participating in activities without his children and him seeing first-hand how much he enjoys time with you and only you will prove your point better than any discussion you could have.

Hope this has helped!!!

Good luck!
stlgal

[angelbird]

Thank you for the advice, but I've tried this. And it's not that he doesn't spend time with me, he does. He just won't communicate with me. As far as the child living at home goes, I have directed her to jobs, she doesn't respond to them. Why should she? Her daddy keeps handing over money to her. I have never asked him to choose me over his children, but they did tell him to choose once. He chose them. But later asked me to come back.
Sometimes I just feel like things will never change. My personal life is changing due to me going back to school, so naturally I'm going to need all other aspects of my life to change also. I love my husband very much and I don't want to lose him, but something needs to change.
Thank you for the reply.


Sincerely,
Stacie

[Joanne1]

Hi Stacie,
I also had a inconsiderate husband, he was selfish and immature. I wasted alot of time and energy trying to change him and make him see things from my point of view.
You are right and so was I, things had to change. I was emotionally and physically drained.
I was trying to change the wrong person.
Instead of working to make him change I should have been focusing on myself. Only when I realized that the only person I could control and change was myself things started to turn around. I stopped concentrating on what he was or wasn't doing and I started doing for myself---sure I still loved him but I just couldn't keep on the way I was.
It is possible to love your husband and be in a good relationship along with having your oun life.
Go to school and do for yourself first. As someone else said the "children" are grown. They have been at this for a long time. They are what they are. You are only going to cause yourself grief and aggraviation trying to change them or their father.
There is no reason to put your life on hold.
Joanne

[AustinJennifer]

Hey Stacie,

How long have you been married?

[angelbird]

This is to AustinJennifer,
We've been married 2 years.

[mphayes]

Dear Stacie,
I understand your confusion. But have you ever thought that the people your husband is hurting is his children. My mother used to say that a mother bird teaches her babies to fly and feed themselves, and then lets them fly. He is holding his children from moving foward in life. I wouldn't pity myself but I would pity them. Stay in school, every woman needs an education, and some day those kids(adults) may hold their hand out to you, for advice. They too need to fly, but by giving them everything, their dad is holding them back from wonderful opportunities in life.

Good Luck,

Melissa