constanly fighting depression

[patty]

Hi everyone , Ive been here before seems like i'm on a roller coaster ride I go up and down. My ddepresion started 2 years ago with severe post partum depression after having my fourth son. I was extremly bad at the time. Ever since it's been a battle . I can't seem to find mysef the me I used to be. I am a differant person ,I lost something and I cant seem to get it back.
I have been going back and forth with the lifemakeovver sometimes I'm into it and I gaet very depressed. Yes I am on medication and I am seeing a doctor and a phsychologist. I just think I need some support . Iam home alone with 4 young boys who are very active . I was always used to working and I still have not adjusted to the change since I had my last son I had to stop working. I don't have any friends or much support and I can't seem to find a group in my area . I am just going crazy.
can anyone help . thanks Pat

[sherelle1]

I couldn't help but stop and reply to your post. It sounds like you feel you have no control over your life and therefore it "seems" that your world is spinning out of control. It also seems like you have no one to turn to that understands. The hardest thing to face is that when you are surrounded by love ones but still feel all alone. You are not alone and there are those who understand. You are just facing a huge mountain that seems unclimbable. You have gifts and you have self worth. Please believe and know that. It starts with you believing that.

As I read your post, I could feel the pain and loneliness coming from you. There are so many here that know what you are going through. Strength comes in numbers and you will soon see that there are many, many caring people who will love you whole again; who will help you see your self worth; who will give you some of their faith and hope to help you live again. Children are a blessing. Together, we will all find a way to help you bless those children as well as yourself. If you can't nourish yourself and be true to yourself, you have nothing to give to anyone else.

Take care and get ready for the love from others because it's coming in torrents!

[patty]

Sherrel,
Tanks so much for your repsonse . It shows someone does care , I am really on the edge . It sounds like you understand what I'm going through not many people understand understand true depression ,it is much differant than being a littleblue or down . I know because I really didn't understant it until I went through the post partum depression ,which changed my whole life . I just cant sem to getmy old self or my old life back . Imust admit I know it takes baby steps and I am slowly very slowly learning that . My biggest challenge rite now is support . Finding people to conect with people to become freinds with , a support group in my area ,which I can't seem to find. I have requested group information twice already with no response and it is a little frustrating . Sherell if you want you can also e-mail me on my e-mail address if your o,k, with that . Maybe we could be a support for each other . You haven't told me how you are doing are you having the same isssues or similar or can we help each other . Let me know

Stay positive Patty

[sherelle1]

Dear Patty,

I have already emailed you and I would be more than happy to be a support system for you. I had Post Partum depression back in a day when it wasn't really recognized. Back then, you just weren't a good mother because you couldn't cut it.

Today, there is so much knowledge and help available for Post Partum depression. People no longer have to live with those feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. It will pass, I promise. Sometimes you just need a little help and support to get there.

You are still the same wonderful, vivacious person you were before. There are just a few signals crossing the wrong way right now and it is not your fault. Remember that: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Say that over and over again if you have to until it sinks in. Post Partum depression will make you think that you are responsible for what has happened to you emotionally.

Think about this sceneario: Would you be so tough on yourself if this were a physical impediment? If someone out of the blue came and dropped a 50 pound boulder on your foot and broke it, would you blame yourself? It took me a very long time to figure that out because I didn't have any help 25 years ago. It's just that people did not understand even though they loved you.

Patty, I bet there are other people reading this that are feeling exactly the way you do. Why don't we try helping them by helping ourselves and by figuring out what is going on? You are very special and once you get through this, you are going to help someone else get through it. That is the secret to becoming whole. In the meantime, you and I will be there for each other and get through this.

Love, Sherelle

[Saj]

Sherril (I apologize if I mispelled your name) and Patty,
I'm a "new" member and swore I would only read - and not reply. But this conversation drew me in. I, too, have experienced depression. Very unexpeditly I absolutely hit rock bottom - which was (and still is) such a strange feeling. I, too, went to the Dr. who placed me on medicine and scheduled me for therapy with a wonderful Social worker therapist and RN - I swear to this day (which is 3 years later) that she absolutely helped save my life. Anyway, to make a long story "kinda" short, my depressesion hit me when my children became grown. My marriage was and still is strong, my children were and still are great, I have family support, had always managed work and home and children (only 2 - not 4) fine - then one day - WOW! I was in a very bad and hostile work environment and I think, still not sure, that as my family responsibilities decreased, I placed more pressure on myself to be accepted, loved, and appreciated through my work. But the work situation was horrible. Through therapy, I realized this. When the depression began I did not realize it. Anyway, I resigned (3 years before retirement)! But I actually had to in order to live. But, even though I am "functional" and am getting closer to being back to my old self, I still struggle - not everyday and not as badly, but I still wonder, like you, where my "old self" is and how I can get it back. We can talk more if you'd like, but I can testify that it is possible to get better - but it took a lot of hard work on my part - being forced to, for the first time in my life, to look at what I needed to be happy. All my life had been spent making others happy, and I didn't even know what I needed. But with excellent counseling, I worked through it. I learned so much about myself and I am so proud of my progress. It is not easy - still is not easy - but please know that now, even though I often struggle, I actually do believe with all my heart that the depression has helped me begin (note - I say begin) to feel about me and respond to some of my feelings. Still, it is not totally comfortable and I still have to work. Right now the main point I want to get through to you is I know how horrible severe depression feels, how scary it is not to understand it and trying to answer all the "why" questions and the "what's wrong with me" questions. But hang in there - day by day it gets better. And I have learned so much. Feel free to stay in touch if you find any of this information helpful. Best of luck to you.

[sherelle1]

Dear Saj,

Don't worry about my name. I appreciate you replying.

I am so happy to hear that you are finding a way "out" of your depression by just looking it square in the face and dealing with it. I'm also very thankful that you have been able to find support.

This thing about trying to find acceptance in the work place is more prevalent than many people realize. It can be very crippling as well, especially if you work for someone that wants to manipulate that need to do a good job and be accepted. To me, that is what causes a hostile work environment. I am so thankful that I am no longer in a situation like that. There are only two things you can do in this type of scenario; learn to not let that person bother you, or leave. In some cases, the person can make it impossible for you because they have their own issues they are not willing to deal with. It sounds like you made your own peace with the situation and really, that's what it comes down to.

You are so right; day by day, it can get better. What I feel when I read your post is that you have made a commitment to recovery. You are attacking wholeness and wellness with fervor and are trying to embrace life. To me, that is the secret of happiness. It doesn't mean that life suddenly becomes a bowl of cherries, but it gives you strength to handle the ups and the downs that come your way. As you continue on your journey, Saj, teach people how to commit themselves to trying to be happy. Yes, your words definitely have helped me and have probably helped many others. Take care!

Sherelle

[truthseeker*]

Hi Patty,

I had to write you because I just so know what you're going through. I've 'battled the demons of depression' for over 10 years. I so know what it feels like to 'lose yourself' and feel like the real you is suffocating somewhere deep inside, screaming to be let out. I so know what it feels like to want to get out so bad, and yet have no idea where to turn, who to ask, what to do... I sometimes thought of it as a dark, deep 'pit of hell' that I was at the bottom of... with 'boulders' falling ontop of me, and every time I'd put my hand up to try to climb out, it would slip and I'd faller deeper than before.... It's a crazy feeling... before I really knew that I had 'clinical depression', I assumed I was just.. well.. 'messed up', to put it politely. I had no idea what was happening to me other than losing the will to live my life... I didn't want to see anyone, go anywhere, eat anything... I would sleep all day, never answer the phone, went jobless for months on end, ... and lost some very special friendships just because I 'retreated from life' and had no idea anyone cared.

I could write forever about this, but tonite I want you to know one thing. People DO care, and I'm one of them. As a fellow 'demon-chaser' (A new, much more 'pro-active' name I've made for myself ;-) ), I've most likely felt much of what you're going through, more or less, and I know how endless it must feel. But I also want you to know that there IS hope!!! You WILL see the light again. I suppose that's why I picked the light bulb icon..:-) .... to remind you to focus on that. Focus on the light.... Anything. Anything that makes you even the slightest bit happy. I know it may feel like nothing does right now, as that 'suffocating black fog' can be so blinding..... but don't look for the big things. Seek out the small, the tiny things, and breathe them in to your whole being. Cherish them and use them like energy to get you through to the next moment, minute, hour, day... Like the smiles on your children's faces when they look at you. Their hugs, their kisses, and how connected you feel with them. ( I know the healing powers of this by being an aunt.... I love my nieces and nephew more than words can say and just being with them, looking into their eyes, cherishing their smiles, has healed many scars in my soul...)

Or maybe it's something you enjoy during your daily life... like cooking, or looking out at the sunshine... that's another thing. Going outside even just for a few minutes can do wonders!! Maybe take your kids to the park... and while you watch them or play with them, take some deep breaths to connect with your body and soul and nature. Take a second look at the trees or grass or birds around you, and the beauty of it all... Remind yourself that you are a sacred part of this Universe, like everything and everyone else... and that 'this too, shall pass'. It may not be next week or next month, but it WILL pass... please believe me when I say that!! Cuz for the first time in 12 years, and only after 3 types of antidepressants and 5 therapists ;-) ... I'm at a time in my life where I feel like I have total control of my emotions, and on the road to complete peace and clarity. And if I can do it??? You CERTAINLY can.... !! Don't get me wrong, I still struggle, and self-sabotage, and have very low self-worth sometimes... but I hold onto the strong belief that there is a destiny for me out there... and I'm convinced I am here to fulfill a much larger purpose. (.. which is one of the reasons I've found Cheryl and her work to be so amazingly helpful these days.... ;-) )

Before I write for hours on end, I will close here by saying please don't give up. I know you've said support is your biggest challenge... so know that I'm on your side, as is many many of the readers on this forum, I am certain of that. I also know what it's like to commit to something, or 'want to commit' and then either be overwhelmed with the challenge and stop-start yourself a million times, or just completely self-sabotage yourself every step you make. I am a HUGE sabotager of my life...but the biggest lesson I've learned is yes, you're right... 'baby steps' are the key.

Don't expect miracles from yourself... your life didn't 'spin out' to where it is now overnight.... and it won't get 'made over' overnight. Give yourself permission to tackle "one small thing at a time"... and make sure to keep each step SMALL so you won't overwhelm yourself, and with each victory, your esteem and faith in yourself will grow, as will the momentum to change your life the way you want to....

That's the one challenge and lesson I've had to learn over and over and over again... and I tell you from experience... simply cleaning a mirror or one drawer, or making one call in 'researching your goals'... or reading a few pages of a favorite book... can do wonders for your soul when life seems so unbearable...

Thanks for 'listening' to me... this is quite a long message...

You'll be fine, Patty....just never give up on you. I read once that God/The Universe gave us everything we need to be all we are meant to be... Someday, I know, you will know that this experience was 'meant to be' simply to fulfill your purpose, and believe it or not, you will be thankful for it and all the knowledge and lessons that came with it.....

Sincerely,

truthseeker*

[Vander]

Sweetie....I am a Mental Health Clinician, and I wonder if you are suffering from post-partum depression. Get information! Of course, you DO need support, but you might need medication as well! Can you start or join a mom's group? How about inviting some other moms to your house -- REGARDLESS of how messy it might look!! -- just to chat! Ask them if they would like to meet regularly! Call the YMCA! Call the school! There is a group somewhere! If not, start one! Keep writing, too!

[patty]

First Dear Vander
I have been Diagnosed with Post partum depression if you were talking to me. An yes I am on medication and I see a phsychologist and a phsychiatrist.. I wonder myself at this point if it is post partum depression... I have tried to find groups to join and I was unseccessful and did find something at the hospital near me but it cost a lot of money , which is another one of my problems. And yes my house is a mess and very small with 4 children and I don't l ike to have people over, how did you know this, I just get embarassed and it increaseses my anxiety level. I do thank you you for your help I will try , school is starting maybe I willmeet some new moms.
Thanks Pat

[patty]

dear truthseeker

Thank you so much for reponding in means so much to me just to know there are people who care. We don't even know each other yet we have so much in common and you were able to help me and I hope some day I am able to help some one else.

I just wish I would go to sleep and wake up myself and all of this would be over . I am definetly much better than I was I'll never forget , it was the scariest thing I ever experienced in my life. It just kind of snuck up on me . One day I was happy with a new baby that I loved and the next I hated everything and I didn't want to be alive and I was so scared for myself and my kids. I think about that now and I feel so quilty and I get so mad at myself I just can't seem to get past it. I cant believe it was me.
I can't believe this is me .

I am such a differant person I an always sad , I never want to do anything I just want to sleep or watch T.V. my husband takes the kids everywhere and does things with them. After wards I am mad at myself anad wish I did'nt sleep or wish I did something and beat myselfup about it ,but still I never learn and I never change I just don't know how It' s so hard I don't now how to do it.

Somedays are better than others and I'll do good for a week or two then all of a sudden I'll crash and be in a " pit of ahell" with huge boulders falling on me . And there is no sight of light. This is what is driving me crazy I feel like I'm on this huge roller coaster and I'm never going to get off . And I hater roller coasters.

My husband is always trying to help ,he says he understands ..He tells me I just have to get over it just get up and do something stop feeling sorry for myself , obviously he has no idea what i am going throough . I know he means well and he is just very frustrated and wants to help but don't know what to so .

So many people want to help family friends ,they al try to understand but they can't no matter what you say or do or how you explain things they don't get it and it jsut such a feeling of
isolation. No one can ever understand unless they have gone through it whech I would never wish on my worst enemy.

But ayway they try telling you what to do and dont understand why you are not taking thier advice and get upset with you and think you jsut want to be this way . this is what I'm dealing with my husband and family don't undrstand why I'm am not bettter why don't I do anything to help myself . That I must want to be like this I must like feeling this way or I would change this amkes me so upset , I can't make them understand I can't amke anyone understand , do you understand. I have changed I am better I am just not completer yet i guess I just have to be strong but I can't believe these people who are suppose to love me can sometimes be so mean , do they realize , do they care., do they reallly think anyone would WANT to FEEL THIS WAY!

Well as you can see I can write a boook too.

I gald to hear you are doing well I hope you stay well and HAPPY
like I said I would never want to see anyone feel like this .. I just hope I can learn how to appreciate all the things that make me happry , I don't even know anymore what makes me happy other that my children I know they make me happy they also make me very angry at time but they are my life and they are what keeep me going and keep my trying .

Again thank you for your words of wisdom if you want you can e-mail me . If you have time and don't mind I could use the support if you can . We can keep in touch Thanks Pat

[bekkybird]

I wasn't going to post here.....i don't know why. But I do understand what you are all saying. I think for me that certain factors tend to make my depression worse. At the moment we are very busy at work and everybody has been getting on my nerves so I am really stressed and last night I had just had enough. I go home yelling and screaming at my partner and last night I decided I want to go part time at work. In the end I know that will help me. My partner is worried about the finances and that adds extra strain because I just want to please him and make him happy. Last night was the first time in a very long time I wished to be dead.

I wish people would understand, but I don't expect them to. If the only way they can understand is to go through hell themself, then I rather they don't understand.

I am 21 and I have been fighting this since I was 18. Life and the future worries me. I really want to have a child oneday but I am worried I will pass this on or that I will end up with post natal depression and I won't be able to enjoy the gift that my child is.

I tend to ramble on a bit and this is what I am doing now. Basically I am glad I have found other people who understand this "affliction". And I really hope we can all help each other through it.

[sherelle1]

Dear beckybird,

As you can see by the posts, we all understand what you are going through. What part of your life and your future are you worried about? It helps to just talk about things. Here, there are people who really do understand.

Think about this one; we don't really know people at work as well as our family members or loved ones, (unless you've been on the job for 20 or 30 years) so when they aggravate us, my experience has been that it's not really them we're as angry at as it is the underlying thing that is causing us anger, resentment, hurt or pain. Grant it, there are people we work with that can take us there, but they really aren't the true cause. Something has been going on in our lives that these people just exaggerate.

I also know that you just want the pain to go away. Death seems to be the only way out, but it's not. I and everyone else here knows how much it hurts. It's like a knife twisting in your heart and or your stomach. Everything hurts and life seems hopeless. All seems lost. Truthseeker, you hit it on the head. It really is "the pit".

The first step is knowing that others understand and that you are not alone because that is the lie you are being led to believe. No one understands. Depression is Depression. Don't forget that. Stay with this board for support. Get help where you feel you can or must, but stay with people who know what you've been through. Trust and caring is the only way out of this. Take care beckybird.

Sherelle

[patty]

Dear beckybird,
Iknow exactly how you feel You fel scared and alone believe me 2 years ago I never thought I would be here today !!
I never thought I would make it this far I was so so depressed , post partum depression and this was my 4th child , with my other children I went through a little bit of blues or slight depresion but nothing to this extent.
You are correct you don't want anyone to go through this hell to have them understand. There are many people here who care and can help and understand what you are going through . We have been there and are still there ,it's a daily battle and every day gets a little easier . there are always hills to climb and mountains to move. I myself when I was working I had 2 kids was working full time and more my life was hell , out of control chaotic and miserable . My husband ,mykids and myself were all very unhappy . We were also worried about money and how we would handle it but I had to work part time it was worth all of our sanity and not worth any amount of money.
Take a look at what you really need rite now ,what will make you happpy , what will make you feel better and WHAT WILL MAKE YOU WHOLE AGAIN!!!! Even if you just need that for a short time do it you deserve it You have to take care of you before you can ever take care of anyone else.
I will always be here for support for you , supporting you also helps me stay on track Like I said its an everyday battle and I never stop fighting.
Feel free to e-mail me if you like we could talk more often I could be a support for you if you want let me know either way

LIVE FOR TODAY BE HAPPY!!
Take Care Talk Soon Patty

[Vander]

Dear Patty: You might want to find out more about the medications you are taking. Some take longer to become effective than others. Also, there are things that you can do to "help" the medications become effective (regular 30 minutes of aerobic exercise every day, no reading newsspapers or watching TV news, be around only positive people, etc.) I don't know how long you have been on the meds, but it might be time to try some new ones. Some people have to have 2 or 3 meds together. Perhaps your doc will help you get in touch with other moms who are having the same problem. Just keep working at it!
I'm ssending you a great big Oregonian hug!!!

[patty]

Dear Vander,

Thanks for the hug , they always help. I am on several medications and I have been on differant ones for quite a while. they keep changing them and tryng differant combinations. I also have a thyroid problem called hoshimotos thyroiditis which I take synthroid for . I know this also has a lot to do with depression and a lack of energy. I have had this for about 7 years since I had my second baby. I know I need to do some type of exercise even get out and walk but I have no motivation and I don't know where to get it from . I know everything I need to do and I tell myself what I need todo butt things are much easier said than done I just don't know how to make myself DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO . As far as watching the news and reading the paper I never do because I know that these are very depressing things they never have anything but murders , deaths fires , killing anything bad . In fact my husband and I argue because he wants to watch the news and I refuse to watch it so I go to bed and he stays downstairs to watch the news , oh well I am doing something rite . thanks for your help I hope you continue to help and continue to send hugs . you could also send me e-mails if you want.

Thanks again Pat

[bekkybird]

everyone here is so great and beautiful. I am staying here for the long haul. I am determined to beat this. This is the first time I have felt like this in about a year or two and if I made it last time I sure as hell can make it this time!

It's funny how you can just read it....if you know what you mean. For a while there I stopped taking my meds because I just felt I didn't need them anymore and I was going great guns for about nine months. And as things got a bit more stressful at work and we were trying to save for a house I knew I needed them again. I had some left over from before so I just started taking them again, but the side effects this time were so bad I ended up fainting and the dr changed them for me. And they were great.....anyway.....the point I am getting to is this:

I know things are just not right at the moment and I've just upped my dosage myself without talking to my dr because it costs $40 just to see him for five minutes and I figure that i can just tell him next time I have to get another script....I can do that, can't I? I'm also thinking of seeking out a good therapist. Has anyone ever been to see a therapist and is it perhaps a good step to take?

Again, everyone here is so wonderful and I know we can all make a difference in each others lives. If you guys haven't already noticed, I kind of just ramble on without really having a point, but it helps to just let it all out. So if you don't mind, I will be doing that from now on.

Take care guys......hugs to all of you gorgeous people!

[patty]

Dear beckybird,


Don't worry I think we all ramble at times , and you are rite it does help just to let it out. I'm glad to hear your back on your meds I did the same thing because I thought they werent doing me any good . Obviously they were because after a couple of weeks I really crashed. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea it does help a lot . I have been seeing one for 2 years now . Sometimes we just talk like friends sometimes I just sit and cry , it took me a while to find someone I felt comfortable with but I finally found her and it makes a big differance. So if you so see someone make sure you are very comfortable with them iif not keep looking dont give up . We all need to stay positive and keep each other positive we will all get through this take one day at a time. Have a good weekend .

Everyone have a good and HAPPY weekend !!!
PATTY

[Caroline]

Ladies, I had a wonderful experience with my sons at a pool club yesterday that i'd like to share. We were guests at an out of town pool cub and went with the whole family....aunts, uncles cousins, grandmom, grandpop. The pool club had a high, water tube slide that my sons took many turns on. It looked sooo fun.....so i decided to give it a whirl too! Oh my! What great fun! I haven't laughed sooo hard and so deep from the belly in years. The family also enjoyed my child-like spirit and the boys?...Well , they though MOM ruled!

Hope this brought a smile to your face and inspired you to try something fun!

-c

[bekkybird]

Reading Caroline's post made me remember something my best friend did for me about two or three weeks ago. When I think about it, it was about the same time I started to feel bad again.

I had been having a bit of a dilemma with my fiance and this crush I had. I tried to break up with my partner only to realise it wasn't what I wanted. In the end I really needed to just be apart for a while. I asked him to give me two nights on my own and he agreed. I went home after one because I'd found all my answers.

Anyway, I went to stay at my best friends house. He is going through a similar thing. His father committed suicide when he was 12 and his mother suffers from depression and I've been telling him for ages that something is wrong and he's only just admitted to himself. So I went to stay at his house this night.

He hired a video and bought me Chinese for tea and on the way home we stopped at some rubbish on the side of the road. It was collection week in his area and people were putting out their household waste for collection.

Anyway, on the side of the road there were some old mattresses that someone was throwing out. My friend had already been there before he picked me up and so he stopped told me to get out and......we ran across the road and started jumping on these old mattresses like trampolines! It was great! I couldn't stop laughing, but we had to run off when the dog started barking at us! If anyone had driven past it would have been a real site. Two 21 year olds jumping on a mattress at 7pm at night!

I had the best night that night. We laid in bed for ages cuddling and just supporting each other. He is the best best friend I could ask for!

Anyway, that's my story. It's one of those memories I think of when things are blue. The sad thing is I don't have any memories like that with my fiance. Not to worry, our wedding is two months today and I think that is going to be very special.

Take care all.....you are beautiful.