My Life Sucks

[jenniferlbrown]

Hi. I am 35 years old and completely discouraged with my life. I will get my MBA this December 2003, but I am still just a secretary. I also have to work part time on the weekends as a church organist just to make ends meet. I have a boyfriend of 6 years who is passive about marriage and will probably never be proactive about it. We have a 6 year old son and own a house together, so it is kind of too late in the game to leave him. Besides, he has some good qualities. I want another child, but he doesn't. I feel like life is passing me by ... I am getting older, fatter, and will soon not have the option to have another child. I can't afford it, anyway ... at least not now. I am up over 200 pounds. 231 probably. I used to always weigh in the 140's and looked great. I just can't seem to stop eating. I am depressed all the time about money, my weight, my job, no time for myself, having to work at the stupid church on the weekends. I feel like I am just not going to get what I want out of life. Here I am, 5 years short of 40, and I can't fit into any clothes, I can't have another child due to finances and my boyfriend's reluctance, I make no money, I spend too much. I hate hate hate my life!! Is there no end to this trap???!!!

[librafire]

Ouch. I feel your pain. I too am struggling with a job I despise, and in a financial pit. As far as money goes, look on the internet. There are many resources, and articles about how to go about getting out of debt. Many of them have helped me out a lot. As for the job part, look for something you might enjoy more. Department stores can be fun, and bookstores are a lot of fun too (especially around the holidays). Another idea is a movie theatre.... You mentioned lack of time for yourself also..when else could you fit that time in? Staying up an hour later or getting up an hour earlier is what keeps me going when I feel like I have no time for me.What could really help you too is keeping the end in sight. you mentioned getting your MBA.. where is that going to take you? What kind of job are you going to have? How will that improve your life? It's only six months away!!! The best thing you can do is change your life if you're that unhappy! When you're depressed, try walking or writing in a journal about what's bugging you, and what you're going to do about it. Instead of reaching for the cookies, reach for vegetables. I'm not you so I don't know what might work for you and what won't, but I hope my suggestions will help you somewhat!!!!!!!!!!
Be your own miracle!!!!!!(From Bruce Almighty, very much a feel good movie)
Lots of Luck :)
Librafire

[jenniferlbrown]

Thanks for your suggestions and taking the time to write. I appreciate your response. I guess no one can really solve my problems except me. There's good advice everywhere, but none of it helps if I can't drag myself out of hopelessness and inertia. That's the hardest thing in the world to do - to conjure up feelings that what I do matters!! Thanks again.

[danh603]

Hi Jennifer.....

Life is hard at times, however, you are able to get out of bed every morning and look into the face of your child, and your boyfriend.

Think about some of those people from 9/11 whose lives changed in an instant and can no longer do any of those things.

We all get very frustrated with life and sometimes we have a tendency to think of what we DON'T have instead of what WE DO have. Maybe writing in a journal of all things that you are grateful for would help a little.

I struggle with weight and food everyday after being diagnosed with Diabetes 2 years ago. So, I understand the need for food.

It's your life, you can change it! And, we are here to support you!

Life is not a dress rehearsal!!!

Daryl

[Nan]

Hi everyone!

Librafire: I love your comment "Be Your Own Miracle"! That's great advice for everyone!!

Jennifer: I feel your pain. I, too, still sometimes think my life "sucks" but not as much as I used to. It takes hard work but you WILL make progress if you work consistently at changing it.

I would suggest that the first thing you do is go to your medical doctor for a complete check-up and a depression screening. I went through a bout of mild depression a few years ago and there are professional treatments that will have a profound impact on your outlook and life. Just make sure you find a therapist/counselor that can relate to your situation. Don't be afraid to switch until you find the right one for you. I did that. It's very empowering to take control of your health and know that you stood up for yourself in a respectful way. Also, your doctor and/or therapist should be able to help with weightloss strategies.

Regarding your MBA.... Take some time during the six months until you are finished to think and write about what lead you to this work and what you wanted out of it when you first started. I, too, have an MBA and I went to school as I worked full time. It is WORK and takes real DEDICATION. Be prepared to leave your current employer to find a job that will honor and reward your education and ideas. I had to do that and know many who also had to do that. It's a strange paradox in corporate America that current employees who continue their education are sometimes not seen as valuable as outside candidates with the same educational credentials. I have seen and heard of this over and over, so spend the time until your graduation researching what exactly you'd like to do and where you'd like to do it. Be prepared to walk when the right opportunity presents itself.

Finally, you need to change the things you say about and to yourself. Your therapist/counselor should be able to help with this, too. You need to look at yourself in terms of what you really are and not the tape that plays over and over in your head. You are a loving person, a loving mother and you have accomplished A LOT by working through a graduate program while working two jobs, caring for a home and a child. MOST people have not/cannot do that! You are a rare minority!! Give yourself a thousand gold stars right now for all that you have already accomplished. You just need to find a way to apply your strength and determination to a new area of your life. Slowly, but surely, you will make serious progress.

Good luck!! Please keep us informed about how things are going. You will find tremendous support here.

Nan

PS - A note about your boyfriend. Is there any chance that he, too, feels his life "sucks"? Or maybe he is just responding to what he has heard you say about how you feel about life and he is reluctant to bring another child into your lives? Perhaps the two of you can work to make changes together and some time down the road revisist the idea of another child?!? Just a thought.

Peace to you!

[jenniferlbrown]

Nan, Your post almost made me want to cry (for some reason!). So maybe I am depressed!! Out of desperation, I did visit a doctor two months ago, who sent me to a lab to get bloodwork done as a precursor to her sending me to see a nutritionist. But I haven't found time to go to the lab yet! And it is two months later!!

By the way - am I using these Boards correctly? Should I join a group, rather than post my personal dilemnas on these Boards? I just found Cheryl Richardson's site a few days ago, because a friend told me to go buy one of her books ... and I decided to just post and vent! What brought you to these boards??

As far as my career ... as a 35 year old, educated and capable person, I find it hard to fetch coffee, fill the soap dispensor, do people's filing and photocopying. Plus, I work in a very traditional, militant environment where the men rule and the women are subservient. Your career advice sounded logical - look elsewhere and start fresh.

Thanks so much for writing. I really appreciate your response and taking the time to listen! For a complete stranger to do that, to me, is amazing.

Thanks!!!

Jen

[Nan]

Jen: Please promise me that you will make your health your #1 priority! Can you commit to making an appt with the lab by the end of the week? Please email me by Saturday and let me know that you've done this if you can make that commitment!

I've been thinking about you all morning and have a few more pieces of advice, if you're interested:

Regarding your new career ... There are many, many professional organizations for women in business, women who own their own businesses, etc. If possible, try to tap into those in your area and meet women who already do the work you'd like to do. For example, if you're interested in a career in public relations, find women who own their own PR firms and ask if they will grant you an informational interview. Tell them in your request everything you'd like to ask them; how to get started, what skills are needed, the best way to get the skills, etc. Ideally, you'll be able to structure your lunch break around an appt in someone's office so you can get a feel for what a PR office is like, what kind of dress is appropriate, etc.

It has been my experience that most people, if they have the time, are flattered to be asked and thrilled to help. Don't schedule too many interviews in a row; give yourself time to digest the information you're getting. And remember that you are being "interviewed" at the same time, so you'll want to dress appropriately, take notes, carry as professional looking portfolio as you can, and always send a thank you note. You never know when someone you meet may recommend you for something else down the road! I guarantee that if you can begin doing this, not only will you start to feel better about yourself and your work day, but you will also begin getting the inside track on available positions in your chosen field.

About your present work situation: Start dressing as if you were one position above your current position. That will help you feel better, too, about your workday and will also begin training your mind to see yourself in a higher position. Don't worry about the people at work who don't buy into the fact that you are intelligent and capable. Just remember that you are doing this for YOU and you are not attempting to change someone else's long-held belief about societal roles.

Also, make the most of your time with your present employer by taking any classes you can. And, if you have vacation time available, why not take an afternoon off and just relax? That would give you a little break from your busy schedule and time away from the office, which sounds like a pretty stressful place for you.

Finally, about the weightloss and spending ... you've got a lot going on now so don't try to accomplish everything at once and overwhelm yourself. Rather than trying to lose weight and/or save money, why don't you just focus on not gaining any weight and not spending too much? That will help change your way of thinking about weightloss and finances and it's a good first step toward your dreams of getting these areas of your life under control.

I came to the boards to get support in order to make some big life changes, too. I saw Cheryl on Oprah when her "Take Time For Your Life" book first came out and knew that was exactly what I needed. I have been doing the exercises on my own off and on and came to the boards to find a group to keep me on track and get the support I need. My family members are not very supportive, so I decided (after a long time of unsuccessfully trying to change them!!) to go where I felt I would find more supportive people. I've gotten terrific advice from several people here. And trust me, once you start seeing changes in your life, you will be more than happy to give support to others here, too.

I hope some of what I've written will be helpful for you. I would suggest doing the exercises in "Take Time For Your Life" because they are very powerful. Remember to just do the best you can. Eventually you will see results!!

Nan

[Adrienne]

Okay, you've vented and it sounds like you're feeling a little better. Now.....use that energy to dive into Cheryl's books and start doing the work. Find a treadmill somewhere and read while you walk off some of your stress. Use this site to find a life makeover group in your area. Exercise your mind and exercise your body.....the rest will follow in due time.

Adrienne

[Denise Anne]

Dear Jennifer,
Boy did your post hit some buttons with me. I have been in a dark, cloudy, angry place for a long time. This changed 6mths ago when I started using Cheryl's book Take Time For Your Life.
Slowly I learnt to appreciate myself again and you must too!
What a huge lot of stuff you are coping with - job, MBA, child, partner (you are amazing) ... it is so easy to forget to take care of ourselves in the midst of all the activity.
Microsteps...I was advised are the way... pick one small thing you need to achieve (Doctors appt) and breakdown the steps to achieving it. You are obviously an achiever - look at your life (MBA etc) - don't make this work - slowly is best as things change as you progress.
Also organise something (anything!!) that is just for you even if it is half an hour in the bath uninterrupted.
I have noticed that as I have taken more care of myself - my partner who is also very uncommitted has raised his respect level - you get what you expect (a friend told me).
I have also found that the weight and financial issues I have also had have slowly been working themselves out - after - I put myself and my sanity first - couldn't loose a damn ounce until I dealt with the other things draining my energy - some of these were small things - I couldn't believe the difference it made.
My best wishes are with you - would love to hear more.
DENISE

[jenniferlbrown]

Denise, Nan & Adrienne - Thank you very much for your last posts! They were very comforting to read and contained some much needed advice. Some of it I've heard before, but have not had the motivation to put into practice. The micro-steps and the goal-setting ("email me by Saturday!") and the "dressing a step higher" comments were especially helpul. I've been in such a rut for so long because it seems no matter what I do, nothing changes. I realize now these boards are for the purpose of finding a group ... Do any of you belong to groups yet? There are several groups in my area, and two days ago I did sign up for one in a town near me, but I have not heard anything. Is it ok to sign up for a group 1,000 miles away, though? I have zero time to attend meetings in person, and sit in front of the computer for hours upon hours every day for work and school, so a "virtual" group would be optimal. How I will find one, I am still not sure. I am a bit excited at the prospect of finding some support to help me reach some goals. I do realize, however, that no one can help me if I don't help myself. I have no one to talk to in my life. My life is consumed with work, and the family and friends I do interact with seem too self-involved to ever listen to me. I do all the listening and am sick of it. I have one friend who consistently indulges in telling me every last detail of her personal life, yet when I ever offer anything about myself ("Oh yes, this happened to me ... "), it's like she doesn't care or want to hear it. Reading a self-help book is just not the same as interacting with people who seem to care. I guess the reasons for changing need to heavily outweigh the reasons for not changing, and I haven't come up with enough reasons yet. Well, I suppose this posting is long enough. Thank you all again. I hadn't expected such an immediate positive experience from exploring this website.

Jen

[danh603]

Hi Jen,
It's Daryl check out this link below, its from the Community Boards here and some of us are discussing about starting an online group.

http://www.cherylrichardson.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15


Let me know what you think.......you have taken the first step just by coming to the boards and posting your thoughts and feelings, give yourself a pat on the back girl!!!!

Daryl

[tasha]

Your response to Jen caught my attention. My loss of interest in life has created weight gain that seem forever resistent to my efforts. I am used to being a much smaller size but with the events that occured about 4 years ago I put on weight and cannot seem to get it off now. My drive, desire and interest in life seem to have disappeared.
My health practitioners (holistic-based) say that when I get things in order the weight too will balance back out. It seems that years are passing now and I am not getting balanced.

I left an abusive job position in January and still am without solid work. I am single, turning 40 this year and I never thought my life would be this way at my age. My determination saw me through many painfu lessons in life but somethign "snapped" about 4 years ago. I am very intuitive and can usually figure out anything but it is like something broke on the inside. Just when I think things are turning around, it falls apart.

I do not have friends (they are married with kids, etc) so my thirties have been lonely. Yes I can do anything alone and do it well but the isolation has taken its toll on me.
I was recommended to this site. It feels wrong to dump on people I don't even know. I usually am the one lifting every one elses spirits. I have been through lot and others are amazed at how I handled the adversities.

I don't even recognize myself any more. What is happening?

[jenniferlbrown]

I felt the same way - bad for dumping on complete strangers. One person on this site was nice enough to email me personally, and I sent a reply that was pathetically self-pitying.

It's hard to keep a positive attitude with no or little support. I sometimes think, what's the sense in going through the days, even? It's all the same ... work, home, work, home. No one cares what I look like, what I accomplish. Everyone is just concerned about their own lives. People have told me to start a gratitude journal, and stop to think about people who have a lot less than me. But everything is relative, and it doesn't make me feel much better.

I guess when you don't have what you want in life, it's hard to feel happy about what you do have.

I have a running list of all the accomplishments I want to achieve before I am 40 ... have another child, be a millionaire, have my own successful business, have time to enjoy life, finally lose all the weight I've managed to put on over the past few years and feel normal again. Every day I start toward these goals, and it seems like at the end of the day I am still a crumpled mess ... I come home from work exhausted. I barely have time to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Sometimes to escape I sit at the computer and let all the errands and chores I need to do wait for another day. Before I know it, I fall asleep, then it's a mad scramble again to get to work in the morning. Plus, I am underpaid and the job market is terrible lately.

I have figured out no one does anything without a good reason. It's finding that good reason that is the challenge. When I was 25, I weighed 121 pounds and was in the best shape of my life. Why? Because I was madly in love with some guy and chasing him. That's the only reason. Really, sad, huh?? Now - who cares. Everything just seems like too much work.

Your references to what happened four years ago have peaked my curiosity. I also wanted to say that abusive jobs are pretty common, and most people have or have had jobs they hate. 40 is still young enough for you to do anything you want, too. You could marry, have children, discover a new career (hard, though not impossible) at your age.

Good luck. I am curious to hear more about you.

[tasha]

Dear Jen,
When my friend told me to try this site, I though "how could this help me feel better?" When I just checked my emails I saw you replied. It did feel good. Thanks for "checking in"
So you want to hear my story, huh? In 1996 I though I was getting married and we were planning the wedding. We bought a home in a prestigious part of town with the intent to have home offices, etc. He was ambitious like I was about having it all and we both had that ability. 5 weeks after we bought that house I came home to a note. As if that was not bad enough this also occured after we took out a 2nd mortgage of $30,000. That too disappeared. As time went on I found out that he had it well planned prior to leaving. His employer also received a "note" When I tracked him down across the country he pretty much told me to "F___-off" It was obvious we were over and all I had asked him to do was at least pay the 2nd mortgage until we were able to sell the house or whatever. This was before the market took off and no one would touch the property. He refused. I took on a total of 3 jobs and started to sell everything I owned to accumulate cash to pay the mortgages and my car payment. Credit cards started picking up the rest. When we bought the house I was completely out of debt and it was my money that was used for the down payment. All said and done, all that I had worked for my whole life was liquidated. Two years later the house sold for what I owed and I walked away with NOTHING. At least I did not have to work 3 jobs any longer. Legally, the effors to chase him down and the "rental credit" I would receive for being "allowed to remain in the residence" did not make him responsible for much. To foreclose would have been the only choice and I was determined to come out with clean credit at least. That I did. Never once have I ever been late on any bill. I have worked in the legal field and real estate and know the value of your credit, etc.
I have never heard from him again. I began a new career (real estate) and things were looking good. All of a sudden I found myself buying a 1-bedroom condo, new car and met a man who was 90% of what I had always dreamed of. Unfortunately that 10% was drugs and severe mood swings. It was them or me and he chose the drugs. It was at this point I collapsed. I had always believed I could get through anything (and I have been through a lot!) but the dream of having it all and it finally happened seem to vanish. I no longer believed. I became so severely depressed I could not get out of bed. although I attempted many things, I gained weight, floundered and barely existed for the next few months. Then my best friend I had through all my trials since 1996 died. My little kitty who stood by me and loved me had severe heart disease. Due to finances I had no choice but to sell my condo to pay off the debt I accumulated by having to live on credit cards (plus I was still dragging around quite abit from the 1996 event). I could not find a "job" as I could no longer commission-style employment. I needed a consistent income to gather myself together and decide what was next. Out of desparation I took a job I knew I did not want. For 2 years I stayed with them and it was the worst experience I ever had with a job. I left in Jnauary and have worked some part time hours for past employers. I still cannot find work.
One of the reasons I was hesitant about trying this site is the last thing I want to hear is "it is going to be ok" Yeah, yeah, we have all heard it and know that. But I just need to be acknowledged for who I am right now. I am struggling and I am being honest. Your comments got me to laugh because I think you also feel that way.
Why is it the world cannot see the incredible woman I am?
When I look back and "had it all". I was (as society labels) blonde and beautiful. I was 3/4 to 5/6 at most, shapely and confident. Yeah, but inside I was dying. No one has ever thought I needed a helping hand or just a friend. Everyone came to me. I was the one with everything and seemed to know what to do. I hid behind that for some time I guess. I thought maybe faking it until you made it may work. It hasn't. I feel like there is the extraordinary woman trapped inside my ordinary life.
Now I am more discouraged than ever. I am a size 9/10 or so, can't fit into any of my clothes, am getting bigger by the day. My thoughts lately are "why bother anymore?" Men don't see my value, employer's don't see my value.
Thanks for hearing me out. I was going to see if anyone responded to see if they really wanted to know. I cannot believe 4 years have gone by since "drug man" and I am no better off. My spirit is broken and that is all I ever had to see me through.
Do you know if there is any way to communicate directly to one another through this site or do we wait to respond to emails? Your response came directly to my email address so does that mean it does not appear on the "board"?
Looking forward to acknowledging with you that we are where we are. Maybe then, we can look at where we want to go and how to get there.
Tasha

[Denise Anne]

Dear Tasha and Jen,
It is not okay to have had to experience what you both have been through (and me too !!)
I could feel my old anger erupting when I read your story Tasha.
All I can say it that it does help to talk about it - to know that you do deserve a better life.
I too was blonde, attractive and at the supposed peak of my life when I made some very naive decisions and blew the entire thing apart - looking back I get really angry that I couldn't see what was going on and worse I remember comments from more clued up friends that should have tipped me off - but no.....
onwards I went - destroying everything in my path.

I have since then stacked on the weight, backed off from social events, been depressive and angry, and felt that my life was the pitts and out of my control.

That changed when I read Cheryl's book Take Time for your life - (9 months ago) and started to actually do some of the suggestions (usually I read and file - never do - god forbid)
I found that I was in such a spin that I never gave myself time to think out what to do - let alone do it.
I have weight problems, children problems, financial problems - basically I am working on every area of my life that you could possibly name - but I have started broadly identifying what I like and am working down........in small (very tiny, tiny tiny)steps - without giving myself grief.
I constantly battle with trusting my "wise self" and would dearly love to discuss with others.
DENISE

[tasha]

Dear Denise,
Ah, yes, trusting ourselves. We know to do that, right? Easier said than done, huh? I would really like to have you and Jen to discuss more of that. Trust has always been an issue with others (and often still is). But what I try to focus on now is trusting my inner knowing. It is hard lately with financial issues piling up around me and thinking..."not again!" Back when I "had it all" I was too insecure to enjoy it and now I don't have it at all but know my inner value. The problem is, no one else does! I feel like I keep looping through old patterns to a degree, although I do not attract the more brutal lessons I have learned. I do intend to get the book this week. Maybe then we can reflect on certain parts and work on it together and share ideas. Hey, I am always looking a new perspective. It does feel good to talk about things and I thank you so much for listening and sharing.
Tasha
(actually, my name is Michelle--my beloved cat was Tasha and I used to always want my name to be that so when she came into my life I gave her that name. But now that I see others on this site seem to use actual names and not so much gimmick names, I will now sign my name to my messages. Of course, you will see "Tasha" as the User name.
Michelle

[Denise Anne]

Dear Michelle,

Holy heck..... we are definitely on the same wavelength.....back when I "had it all" I didn't even know what I had........ the friends who stayed with me through thick and thin have recently laughed and said "didn't you know how you looked" or " I did tell you to be careful" "the situation seemed shady" etc etc.
If anything I have had unrealistic trust in others....expecting them to play the game as I do - fairly.. he he...
I totally lost faith in my ability to judge people and situations at all - so discussing would be great.
Looping back through issues.........oh yes yes yes.......I think it will happen to me until I take control of that area.
I have financial woes also and appreciate how difficult it is to concentrate on anything when you are worried about how to pay the bills - let alone worse.
- perhaps you are going to be a consultant for people with financial problems - a crisis councellor.
What a strong person you are.
I would so like to work through the book with someone to talk to about it.
DENISE

[jenniferlbrown]

Tasha (Michelle),

When you post to this board, you automatically get an email directing you to the response on this site. When you click on "pm" at the end of any message on this board, you can send someone a private message. I tried to send you a private message, but the site said you'd requested not to be emailed through this site. If you want to send me an email (not on this board), click "pm" at the bottom of any of my posts.

Thanks for sharing that story! It sounds horrifying, difficult, and painful. You should be proud you were able to salvage your credit under those circumstances. That's quite a feat.

I've had my share of loser boyfriends, too, - throughout my twenties. People I'd never dare bring home to meet the parents. I still have nightmares about one: I can't get rid of him no matter what I do - he is even bulletproof!!

The recent posting on this site from Denise was encouraging. Gave me some hope a book can change my life. Well, not a book ... but maybe taking action to follow a book.

What I hate is the ever-present feeling that I must be more, do more, accomplish more, be thinner, richer, happier, get a better job, a better house, get married, have more children, don't screw up at work, etc. This feeling is self-inflicted, but it also comes from society. Which makes me rebel and say, screw everything. I am going to overspend, overeat, overindulge, let my laundry pile up, disappoint people, and wallow in mediocrity. My problem is that happens all too often, and who suffers for it? Me. Of course.

Anyway, I was interested to read your post and hope that you write more.

Jen

[Louise]

Well like some of you, I too have had my share of disappointments but sometimes things do turn around. I think that at times it is so gradual that it seems like nothing is getting better and then one day you think, well things aren't so bad.

Things have a way of working themselves out it just takes time and we are all very impatient. Or some things get better but then other problems arise.

One step at a time....

[danh603]

Hello everyone.....

I wanted to commend each of you for coming to this board and telling us each of your stories, that takes a tremendous amount of courage!

From the male perspective, each of you should feel great that you have made it through these difficult times and survived! Pat youself of your backs!!!! NICE JOB LADIES!!!! I am very proud of you.

You each have made great strides in being able to talk about what you've been through and how it's made all of you stronger!

I have not posted much in the past as it seems that I am the only male on this board and didn't want to "intrude" in what everyone was saying. Do you mind if I post?

I have posted on the men's boards, but they don't respond like you ladies.....thanks......

I am always in search of making myself better, inside and out, but right now I am focusing on the inside, and I guess the outside too!

Thanks for listening.....
Daryl

[Denise Anne]

Dear all,

It has been so interesting and thought provoking to read all the replies to the various threads over the last week or so.

What has struck me rather forcibly is that we are all mentioning struggling to do more, achieve more, get more.........
all the things we want to achieve are large things,
better job, better relationship, another child, financial order...... they just don't happen ..... bang.....

I have realised that what I have changed and what is really working for me is to have one small goal (tiny) from a priority I have identified eg: finances - to do each week and thats all.
Nothing more - more equals less for me (usually nothing actually).

When I do it I feel neat and alive and in control and that gives me the strength to move further.......... everything else is not relevant ( it is not possible to cure everything instantly - especially if you are working on lots of things - just let the others go for that week - forget the guilt trips and focus on the one thing you will do).

Example: Financial - for me it was a priority to discuss what to do with my finances and make good decisions......as I hadn't a clue about anything.
Week one: discuss with work accountant who might be a good financial/budget consultant - get recommendation.
Week Two: Discuss with friends/relatives and get recommendations.
Week Three: Think about what I want to discuss with financial person and make list.
This actually took me two weeks. I had to decide where I wanted to go with my finances (as opposed to where I was.)
Then I missed a week - health was a priority- that week.
on and on it went until

after 4 months I had seen a financial consultant, and had covered the basic issues that were important to me...... I had learnt where my money was going (and what I had to improve) but I had covered the health insurance, superannuation, death etc issues and knew what my work covered and not.

It felt real good........ I still have serious debt issues to work on....... because I felt I had to help everyone else..... but now that is the top of the list......

I felt overwhelmed by the enormous tasks I saw ahead of me - its no wonder I ran for the food or to hide in the corner.
Now I don't care about ANYTHING except what I am working on that week.
And it works..................

Years ago people focused on less things - we load ourselves up until we fry - and the energy we need to do things with is gone before we even decide what we want to do with it.
Slow down.......... get off your own backs........ and live.

[Kolorful]

To Everyone.....

I was having an extremely depressed and anxiety ridden day today - mostly regarding finances... and my weight. I too, was "formerly fabulous". It really made me feel better to read everyone's stories, comments and honest expressions. I always try to be upbeat, positve , strong and action oriented, but sometimes life can be overwhelming.
I am single and my car is not working. I dread dealing with the mechanics, who I feel are trying to take advantage and rip me off. Sometimes I feel like I am not strong enough to continue to support myself and do everything alone. I am also one of those people that everyone comes to for support but I don't feel like they are there for me in return.
I am going to join one the groups in my area and I look forward to that. I am also going to go see "Bruce Almighty".

I will be sending you all good energy and hope you will do the same for me.
Check out this website by spiritual writer Alan Cohen: whyyourlifesucks.net

Karen

[tasha]

Hello ladies and welcome Karen!

I just picked up the book "take time for your life" today and began reading.
I know we are all dealing with our issues but I would like to share the following with you. Today, I still am looking for a job, wondering how I will come up with the money for July's rent, trying to refinance my car to lower payments and overall trying to "keep the faith". Each day I try to balance the time for myself and steps towards finding a job as well as the other necessary aspects of life.
So, today, I got a "no" from the bank about the car refinance. Although my credit is flawless as in lates, etc., I am too much of it. (If they only knew what I went through to keep it clean I should have gold stars!) I put in a few hours at an office I used to work at for many years (I do the books/banking stuff still) and I took time to read my book. Oh, yeah, I also did about 40 minutes of exercise. I try to ask myself what I WANT to do today. Even if it is cleaning the bathroom, I say I WANT to do it, not HAVE to do it. I start feeling like I have choices even if it is in the basics of life. I still struggle each day to take time for myself and not feel guilty about it since I feel every moment should be used for looking for a job. Today I seem to feel more peace even though I am no closer to landing a job and even got the "no" from the bank.
Just the first few pages of the book talks about jobs and working and how we define ourselves by that. I had to work from a very early age in life just to have current clothes, etc. I have worked hard for all I have (and had). I do define myself by my "work" and what I accomplish. I define myself being successful by what I have done for a living and if I am working. I feel pretty embarrassed if I was to meet someone and say "Hi, I am Michelle and I don't have a job". I have been feeling lost since my "purpose" is not in order (meaning job). I am more than my job and I am going to work on that belief pattern. It is a big one for me.
Back to the office I went to today. I had a realization. The office is a law office and the attorneys I have known for some time and they have known my hardships over the years. I jokingly asked if either would like to adopt me and it began some misc. discussion. I guess I must have been putting off some good energy because they kept conversation going and joked around with me. Even at the point of us leaving the office, they still seemed to want to talk to me. Then it hit me. If I am consumed by my problems and withdrawn then I am probably not approachable at all. I am the type of person that can draw a crowd when I am happy. For whatever reason I was truly feeling ok today and I saw how it drew people to me. I went to an interview earlier in the day and found out it was not a position that would be best for me. I did not feel disappointed, instead I knew it was not a positive situation for me and declined them to "keep me in mind" I knew it was ok to say "no" and keep looking. Also, since the weight gain I feel dumpy. I usually dress with lots of style but now have been wearing layers, etc. to just cover up. Last weekend I finally broke down and bought 2 new suits (charged them that is). They not only serve as interview suits but they fit! Do you know what? I actually felt really good about how I looked today. All along I have been denying myself any new clothes because "they won't look good anyway". When things FEEL right, then they are right and it makes all the difference, whether clothes or your attitude.
Am I any thinner today? No. Employed? No. But I had a slight glimpse today of a better perspective to just a few things I can be in charge of for myself.
Has anyone else got their book? I would love to share as we all read and learn together.
Michelle (Tasha)

[tasha]

To Denise,
I want to thank you for your words. It meant a lot to me that you seemed to know that I have the ability to serve and assist those in need. A lot of the jobs I have done were in large part to make a difference for other people. I put my heart into all I do. I still believe that someday I will "direct" others in some way. Maybe write a book, counselor, motivational speaker, etc. Or, maybe just being me inspires others on daily events and I don't need to do anything on a larger level.

I felt like you saw inside to who I was and it felt really good. I obviously havn't had that much in the last few years. There has not been a boyfriend, family, and especially the employer I left in January to tell me any positive aspects about me or what I do.

Your time to let me know what you thought meant a lot. Thank you.
Michelle (Tasha)

[Kindness]

Originally posted by jenniferlbrown
Hi. I am 35 years old and completely discouraged with my life. I will get my MBA this December 2003, but I am still just a secretary. I also have to work part time on the weekends as a church organist just to make ends meet. I have a boyfriend of 6 years who is passive about marriage and will probably never be proactive about it. We have a 6 year old son and own a house together, so it is kind of too late in the game to leave him. Besides, he has some good qualities. I want another child, but he doesn't. I feel like life is passing me by ... I am getting older, fatter, and will soon not have the option to have another child. I can't afford it, anyway ... at least not now. I am up over 200 pounds. 231 probably. I used to always weigh in the 140's and looked great. I just can't seem to stop eating. I am depressed all the time about money, my weight, my job, no time for myself, having to work at the stupid church on the weekends. I feel like I am just not going to get what I want out of life. Here I am, 5 years short of 40, and I can't fit into any clothes, I can't have another child due to finances and my boyfriend's reluctance, I make no money, I spend too much. I hate hate hate my life!! Is there no end to this trap???!!!

The reason why you are gaining is probably a protection coat that you are giving yourself because of all the emotions that you are dealing with. A problem is a problem sometime only in your mind, try to see it differently, change your mind to: I am loosing weigth everyday and beleive it, not a doubt shoud ever come to your head about the message not even in your thinking. That is how I lost weight and stayed that way!

You are the programmer of your life so keep the thinking as beautiful as you want it and things will happen in that way, your mind will start functionning in the way you give the messages.

If you give bad or depressif messages, your life will be that way, beleive me it works and dont dream of little things you can do anything you set your mind to.

Another thing dont ever wish something bad to others as it will come back to you, your mind doesn't realize who the message is for, so when you wish something for others make sure it is good to.

This method is good for any dreams anyone has, see it hear, live it to beleive it!
Take good care of yourself and others

[tasha]

Just a hello to everyone,
Was feeling a little "off" today so thought I would get online. Remember, tomorrow is a full moon and it always seems to stir up stuff. Hope each one of you does just one small thing for yourself that brings you peace or insight.
Michelle

[tasha]

Where is everyone?
I haven't seen anyone posting or responding since 6/13. I am looking for someone to talk to. Hope you are all doing well.
Michelle

[Kolorful]

I had a very long and busy day today, I hope you are doing well. Feel free to email me directly.
Hope all of you are having a good week.
Karen

[tasha]

For some reason, I cannot do a private message to you. It will not let me. Is there something I did when I set up my "info" that may have blocked this? jen said I blocked mine becaue she couldn't send me a private email. Not sure how that happened. Have others been able to send you a private message? Any ideas?
Looking forward to chatting. Did you get the book?
Michelle

[Denise Anne]

Dear Michelle,

The suits were the right thing to do (irrespective of the money issues).
I have done the same thing recently - stopped wishing I had lost weight, had a better image etc and simply created one.
I cut my hair and dyed it - bought some clothes that fitted and some makeup.
I felt like a million dollars instead of a tarnished dime.
It reminded me of an expression I heard somewhere - when you are feeling down is when you most need to get out or when you just want to curl up in the chair is when you most need to go for that walk etc etc.

I realised that I was hiding my power behind the saggy clothes and weight. I have a job whereby I can choose my profile to a certain extent - and lately well actually for a long time it has been a behind the scenes one - when I had to be present I was as un-memorable as possible both in how I looked and acted.
The image revamp was last week - since then my boss has said in a laughing tone - my word you've finally found your horn (as in blowing your own horn) - a recent group company event saw a whole group of people ask for my business card !!!

I have just pulled out my Take time for your life book and am re-reading it so I would love to discuss it.

Putting myself first in order to allow time to even think straight (I had serious sleep disorder issues) was a major for me - and still is - I constantly battle with being kind to myself - I have lots of debts to pay off so spending anything on myself is an issue (guilt guilt and lots of guilt) but
I have a list of priorities and I try to work to them.

I am trying not to take the messes in my life personally anymore........easier said than done.........but I can only handle one thing at a time......... if its a health issue then thats it.......if its financial then thats it....... I get overwhelmed very easily .......and do........well nothing (except beat myself up).

Michelle - you talked about your inner value........ and knowing it.........perhaps it is time to let that out to the world.....perhaps the other day that is what everyone felt.
I refuse to be afraid of being a strong but caring woman anymore..... or to justify any decisions to anyone

DENISE

[Denise Anne]

Dear Kolorful,

You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed..... I think the first fear I had to face...... was letting go of that overwhelmed feeling.

I was pretty shocking really........helper to everyone both physically and financially (hence the debts) unable to ask for help myself (it might look weak)....... stiff upper lip etc while inside I was dying emotionally and physically my health was disintergrating.

I am still working on how to support without taking on others burdens automatically - and I am asking for help (not as much as I should) it is a slow progression........funnily enough everyone seems happy to help me - I think they have been waiting to get the chance to payback.

The more things you have to work on the more important it is to have one or two things that you do to look after yourself - they don't have to be costly (I love the long bubble bath)....
and you need one assertive issue to build your self esteem - perhaps you could ask for help with talking to the mechanics ??

Just asking even if you get a no is enough....... it is the doing (taking action on your own behalf) not the result that is what makes you feel more in control... like........ I will decide the outcome not the world.

Hang in there ...... it'll be okay. Write down all your worries on a sheet of paper before you go to bed....... leave them on the table....... clear your mind .....and sleep. Seems too simple doesn't it but it works for me. Whenever I am restless and have that ickky feeling that something isn't right - I know it is time to write it all down ( I can look at it later and decide what is real and what is just emotional games).
It is uncluttering for the mind. Mind housekeeping. Spring cleaning.........I've found some unexpected things doing this.

All my best wishes to you - hope you find a group - or I'm happy to chat.
DENISE ANNE

[Louise]

Hi!

Just wanted to tell the both of you that I can relate. I often feel overwhelmed and feel guilty if I try to take care of myself. I feel I should be able to fix everybody's problems and in the process all my energy goes towards other people. I am working hard on changing that.

You are not alone in your feelings...

Louise

[Kolorful]

Hey everyone...thanks for the replies and helpful ideas.

I have already seen the mechanic, and like a dreaded doctor's visit..it wasn't as painful as I anticipated - and they didn't overcharge me. I did some research on the internet and didn't think the car was worth fixing so I ended up selling it. (on my own!)
Since then I have been looking to buy a newer one, and again.. lots of feelings of fear and confusion. I did more research and got varying opinions. That confused me more. I was praying for the Universe to send me an angel.
Last night in the parking lot of a restaurant I spoke with an older gentlemen who has the same kind of car that I'm looking for. He gave me the name of the salesperson he bought it from, who he thinks is a decent person. So my next step is to go test drive the car. I asked my sister to come with me for support. She is normally busy with her own stuff and not willing to help me, but this time she said yes.

Denise Anne- I liked your ideas about dressing better and writing out your worries at night. I do keep a journal but I was just thinking yesterday that I need to write more. It really helps me.
Michelle- I'm not sure why the PM isn't working, I don't have it blocked.

I would love to hear about people's succes stories of getting out of debt and increasing income, curbing impulse buying...etc.
When I look back over my credit card statements, there are two areas of spending that really got me in trouble. 1. eating out - this contributed to my weight gain causing the second spending catergory..2. new clothes to fit my increasing size. Now at size 16, I just don't want to debt anymore for new clothes. Especially when I have 3 trunks full of very cute clothes that don't fit me now.
I welcome all of your feedback...
Karen

[Louise]

Karen,

My weakness is eating out too. I have resolved to bring my lunch to work at least 3 days per week that seems to be working well. I don't buy a lot of clothes but I love magazines, so I try to trade with other people. Also , I try to go to matinees instead of evening movies and do not splurge on the popcorn, etc... which is so overpriced. That way I still get to go out with friends without going broke.

For a whole month I carried a little notebook and wrote down everything that I spent it was an eye opener for me.

Taking one step at a time will get youthere.

Louise

[Kolorful]

Hi Louise,

Thanks for your input. I'm currently reading the chapter on finances in "Take Time For Your Life". I like this sentence in it, "The commitment to become responsible with money is the key that opens the flood gates to more."

I am an artistic/creative type and I never cared much about money, couldn't understand it and have been waiting for my big hit for years. I have been making small steps but the results haven't been as quick as I'd hope for.

About 3 months ago I moved and decreased my rent by $400! That was the first big step for me. Today I made the bold move of cutting up my credit cards. I felt I had to it - for now anyway.

As of tomorrow I will be 2 months off sugar!! This is a really big deal for me because my addiction was very strong. Besides making me feel drugged and fatigued..those daily binges were a total waste of money.

Take care.......
Karen

[Louise]

Karen,
2 months without sugar? I'm addicted to jelly beans and I eat way too much refined sugar. I also drink a lot of diet cola. How hard was it to stop eating sugar and you really find that you have more energy?

I;ve to motivate myself and follow suit.

Louise

[learn2jump]

Dear Jen,

I too hear your pain and hopelessness. Ouch! Interestingly, I also work a 40-hour frustrating, low level, low pay work week with advanced education under my belt, and then teach 6 hours of music lessons on Saturday, and fit performing in 2 orchestras during the week in there too. I keep saying, I need the money of the teaching and performing to live, but sometimes go weeks without one day off!

It's so interesting, because the work-week office people know I teach and play music, but can only think of it as something fun and pleasurable I do like gardening, and have no idea of the commitment and hours to keep abreast and keep my performance level up to play in the groups I do, and the music people have no idea of the tremendous energy it takes to manage this office and always are asking more of me, because they too are "really busy." And on and on.

I don't keep a relationship, that's been an area of real downfall for me (I'm 53 and married & divorced twice, with one grown daughter).

Daryl, thanks for being there for us (women). We REALLY appreciate having a male perspective!

Jen, I agree with with the person who mentioned you may be using eating as a way to "numb out" those painful feelings. I've used other things in the same way, also self destrictive, and have my own experience with fighting those battles.

I just wanted to share one thing that has helped me, in hopes that it might be something to help lift you out of your current mind place. When I'm feeling hopeless about about things being able to change (yes, that real down and out place), I've learned that all my mental and spiritual energy is being consumed with dealing with those feelings. I have been lucky enough to have some friends who have taught me to sit down and do a daily "gratitude list" at just those times. Hard as it is, and starting slowly at first, I take time in the morning (just a minute or two) to write out the things in my life that I am grateful for. Slowly my mental and spiritual energy begins to change. I can't explain why it works for me, but it does.

Sometimes it starts with the simplest things....grateful I have a roof over my head, have my health, have a job in these hard economic times, that I have been able to keep my playing level up. From there it might expand to things like: grateful I have a spiritual direction in my life that's willing to guide me when I'm ready to listen, grateful for friends in my life, etc.

Try it for 14 days, and if it doesn't work, throw it out. Believe me, you are one tremendous lady! Anyone who can work full time and achieve an advanced degree, WITH CHILDREN!, is no ordinary duck!!!!! I salute you 100%.

My 2 cents worth would be to finish the degree - it will be with you the rest of your life. Like they said, grab for veggies instead of fatty foods in the process, and come December, tackle the weight thing with the same fevor and commitment that has gotten you through grad school.

Please keep in touch and let me know how it's going.

Big Hug,

Lauren

[rosebud2004]

HI Lauren,

I tried to send you a private message, but was unable.

I just wanted to welcome you to the board. I have read a couple of your posts. You are truly a wonderful and positive presence on this board.

Tam