It's like I won't take action!

[KayBee]

Hi!
I am a person aware of opportunities and with an ironwill to succeed .... and yet ....

I have been away from the jobmarket for two years due to a depression that kept me in the corner of my livingroom - just as if I was back in my mother's womb - probably the last safe place I knew. I was suicidal and cut connections with family and a few friends that definately should never have been there in the first place - and one friend I consider taking up contact with. Once a week I went out for therapy and grocery shopping.
That - fortunately - is now 1 1/2 years ago. I'm back teaching again and have just started my second year. Good to be back - and also tough, but I constantly learn more about myself and see new opportunities.
I still work with my psychologist once a week, I have a new and better contact with my parents and can see more clearly what's going on in my family, including jealousy towards my successful and dominating sister. I have just found out that I don't even know if I like her that much - Wild!

And now to the core of why I'm writing. I am overweight - maybe 50-60 kilos - and my apartment is a real mess - not something it would take a couple of hours to clear out, more like 2-3 days. My friends and also my mother have offered to help several times, but I feel to enbarassed to accept. They have become used to the fact that they can't visit me.
I have just - as it was a wish for my birthday - received a good bike of my own choice from my parents and I haven't used it once in the 2 months since I got it.
When I'm with people I'm active. On my own I watch TV - more or less.
That I put all this onto myself makes me very sad and powerless.

As a child I was taught that my needs, desires, thoughts, and opinions were of no value and should be kept to myself - if not eliminated altogether.
I feel as though I am now reacting like the little child that in the real world was never allowed to do so. But it puts me down to be like this. And I'm a grown woman and want to be in the word as just that.

Of course I discuss this with my therapist - but I make my mother out of her and tell myself that she is not allowed to advice me in the overweight matter. I'm stuck, and that is also an enlightening place to be, I know that and appreciate that.
I just feel very alone with this. My friends don' really have these or similar problems. They are very sympathetic and warm but can not fully relate to my trouble.

I wish to move out of my 'need' to let myself down. It seems like one big challenge, and I have this nagging feeling that I'm not worth leading the life I want.

Just writing this letter feels encouraging. The possibility that someone will read and maybe even react is amazing! Being able to share thoughts with the world is a mighty powerful thing!

[Usha]

Dear KayBee - You made a tremendous step moving from deep depression to working at teaching! Good Job! Depression can be soooo debilitating, I went through it myself many years ago and it was no fun. Hang in there! As for your messy apartment - take a good look at one room at a time and tackle the one most important to you. Kitchen? Bathroom? Don't try to do it all at once, do part everyday till it looks like what you want. Throw out trash, gather dirty clothes - that's always a good start. Organization can be a learned skill, clean as you go. Good Luck to you! I wish you peace! Usha

[sjwarren]

Dear Kaybee,
I have had days where I can't seem to get going either. They seem to happen more in the late summer (August) through early spring (April) time frame (Like right now).

Last year I found out that I had SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I have had a lot of therapy over the years for childhood abuse issues, no one noticed the SAD, and I had no clue that I fit the SAD profile. I just knew that I continued to have problems on some days in September through January. During that time frame I would sometimes go home and hide in bed from the rest of the world. My socializing would drop off drastically during that time frame.

Last spring I read Michael (Cheryl's husband) Gerrish's book "The Mind Body Makeover Project" and did the UFO test. The results showed SAD as one of the top two UFO's. I started using a SAD light source and immediately noticed a difference in my energy, motivation, eating habits, number of days I exercise, and social patterns.

If you are still noticing depression you might consider checking out if you have SAD. An excellent resource is “Winter Blues: Seasons of the Mind” by Norman Rosenthal.

Also taking the UFO (unidentified fitness obstacles) test in Michael’s book is very worthwhile. Depression can be from emotional baggage and it can also be something gone amuck with a person’s body (like allergies, hormone imbalances, SAD, etc.).

BTW - When I first started changing my environment I set time (five minutes) and job size (a draw in a dresser) limits. I picked something that I knew would make my life feel better and worked on cleaning that area. Some days I only got through the sock draw and that was enough. Another thing that I learned was to stand five minutes and enjoy what I had accomplished.

Hope this helps. I know I’m feeling better. Your posting reminded me that I hadn’t used the light visor yet today. So I’ve had it going while I right this and feel much better.

Susan

[Donna M.]

Dear Kaybee,

What you wrote struck a cord with me. I, too, grew up in an environment where my opinions were always second guessed, and was always made to feel that my feelings and opinions were not valid. And a mother (although this makes me feel extremely guitly to say since my mom died 13 yrs ago) who returned every gift I ever bought her, essentially saying "it's not good enough."

I still struggle with thinking that whatever I might be feeling is inappropriate, or off base in some way. The theme of my house was "keep quiet, don't upset your father." I now have a wonderful relationship with my dad...although I can't believe it's evolved to what it's become, but I'm very grateful for it and thank God for it every day. I do believe that if my mother had not died though, my relationship with my dad would not have become as special as it did.

What's gotten me through all of this internal turmoil is a very supportive husband and (as you said) an iron will to succeed (maybe even stubbornness, but that's OK).

I say, let those who have offered to help you, help you. Swallow your pride, and allow the support to lighten your life. I speak as one who usually goes it alone, and I have come to realize that this is the most important area of my life that I need to change.

So, let your mother and your friends help you clean your living area...make it a party, feed them, play some fun music and get rid of the clutter. Then let them visit you regularly and have fun!!!

You've made some great progress already, and don't forget to celebrate your successess, no matter how big or how small. Reward yourself with something that's important to you...a hot stone massage, perhaps??

Good luck!! And remember...avoid A to Z thinking. It just sets us up for failure. Think in terms of one thing at a time (baby steps, if you will). Write them all down and cross them off your "To Do list"...what I do is take a yellow highlighter and "Yellow them off my list." And I've discovered that yellow is now my favorite color.

Donna

[mschmit51]

Dear KayBee- Congratulations! You've come a looonng way. Overcoming depression is a major battle, so be proud of yourself.
As for the housework...try subscribing (free) to www.flylady.net.

She has a couple of prinicples that seem to work really well. First-Anyone can do anything for 15 minutes Second - You are never behind.

They send out emails for tackling things in small increments, and emphasize BABYSTEPS, starting with keeping your kitchen sink shining.

I've been a member for over a year and am still working on the babysteps, and setting up routines. You don't have to do everything, just start developing one or two routines and go from there; but check out the website as they explain things much better. Reading the testimonials has been one the best tools for me. Its also fun to read soem the the peculiar things people (finally) get rid of -- would you believe nursing bras when the youngest child is 18... and so on.

The nice thing about flylady is that the principles can be applied to all areas of your life. They recently had segments on how some of the teacher subscribers were using them to organize
their classrooms etc... If they are still on the website, you might find those of help as well.

Good going! and good luck!
Marcia Schmit

[KayBee]

Dear Martha, Donna, Susan and Usha!

This is not to close down this thread - I just want to tell you that it has been such a joy to hear from you.

Thank you for your kind sharing of experiences and creative suggestions - it helps.

You have blown fun and lightness in to the heavy load.

I will feel your support as I go - babystep by babystep.

And Susan - I will talk to a friend who might also be helped by the SAD-advice.

Cheryl is right when she speaks of the tremendous power of community!

Again - THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Sincerely
KayBee

[ZoeH]

Hi KayBee,
I want to address the part of your post about "my apartment is a real mess".
This can feel so overwhelming but I have a couple of ideas which help me about this: When you look at the mess and want to act but it all looks too much, ask yourself:
"What ONE item can I move right now (or throw away)?".
Even if you look into a huge pile of clutter and remove just one paperclip, I have found that to have an impact. Because you can then go on asking yourself the same question as you look at the mess, and it gets the energy moving.
Also visualising how you want your apartment to look afterwards can help.
And I believe that if you can just get everything off the floor, no matter where else you put it temporarily, and vacuum or clean the floor, that has a big effect on the room and how you feel.
Hope any of this helps.
Best wishes,
Zoe