Negative experience with two Different Life Makeover groups

[hawk]

I have been in my second LM group for the last 14 months and by and large it was very beneficial until recently when one member took it upon herself to call the shoots and proclaim that she was not very happy with individuals' progress. Lately, she has been demanding that the group punish her whenever she does not meet her goals. I told her that it was her responsiblity to assume accountability for her own life and that the group would support her in this. Obviously, that was not the answer she wanted. This member also insinuated that the group throw out any person whom it thought was not living up to the principles as set forth in Cheryl's books. She avidly announced that her life has unfolded in leaps and bounds over the last year and indirectly accused me of not fulfilling Cheryl's principles and guidelines and not living up to the standards of the life mission of the group during that same period of time. I admit, I have not been activley implementing the LM principles as religiously as she has. Also, the issues in my life are very different from hers and in some respects more complex.
On Monday, I became the projection and scapegoat for her own failures and frustrations She completely invalidated my decision to move to Canada and the reasons behind it. She also stridently made it clear that she never wanted to hear about my move to Canada ever again. Her advice was delivered in a very judgmental, harsh and unloving manner. She called my life-altering decision stupid. I was extremely hurt, angry and devastated. She yelled at me and said that my life was motivated purely by fear. I already knew and acknowledged this to the group a while ago. She revealed the fact that her life is completely without fear. I'd applaud her for this if I believed it were the truth. On and off for months, I have stressed the importance of setting top priority goals and it has gone over like a lead balloon. If the advice doesn't come from Cheryl or Debbie Ford's books, both members are very slow to accept it. She has announced that she has finally removed the clutter in her livingroom after it has lain there for years. I am currently handling a recent move to California, working on important legal and financial matters, and making plans for the transition to a different country. I have been accused that these activities are nothing but excuses for not getting on with my life.

After the harsh verbal attack I encountered on Monday, I wrote both members an email removing myself from the group. I acknowledged and thanked them for all that I had gained and learned through our assciation together and sent them blessings for the direction of their intended paths. What I receicved from her was a voice message stating that she had quit the group. I receved nothing from the other member even though I had opened my home to the three of us for 2 hours each week for 14 months and we had communicated and shared our darkest fears and greatest hopes for the future.
Because of what happened to me in the group and how it left me feeling betrayed and devastated, I will never join another LM group again. I like this to be a warning for others. Rely on your discretion, discernment and intuition! If a person or a group gives you an uneasy feelig and you don't resonate 100% with it, run to the nearest exit! A year ago, I had written down my thoughts of misgivings about this person in my journal and completely ignored them. The first group that we had belonged to, she had wanted to eject a member from the group who was dealing with chronic depression. She is very adept at doing things behind other's backs. Issues about members should always be conducted with the whole group present and handled in a loving, compassionate way.
I invite any advice you can give me regarding this matter and in groups in general. Thank you.

[Nancy B]

Hawk,

I am printing the guidelines from http://www.cherylrichardson.com/community/run_a_group.htm
completely below as this is an example of why the guidelines are important.

If all members are aware of and respect the guidelines then each speaks in "I" messages, which means they speak of their own experiences and advice of any kind is not given without being requested.

Usually problems of this kind don't happen unless the guidelines have been ignored for some time. Ignoring guidelines doesn't happen to just one member, its all members. When the members of a group allow negativity, bossing, gossip, or advice giving, all are responsible. While everyone likes to be 'nice', in an authentic Life Makeover Group its important that every member take it as a personal responsibility to say: " Can you rephrase that so its in keeping with the guidelines?" Or "Is this in keeping with the guidelines?"

Some groups have the guidelines copied and have a copy for each member, others have it laminated and read it at the start of every meeting. Its that important.

Chronic negativity, complaining about the same problem without taking action, and deep depression are not appropriate for Life Makeover Groups. Sometimes a group feeling sorry for someone with these problems try to take care of them which can delay a person getting the help she needs. These problems can usually be handled best with therapy or other kinds of assistance. Someone from the group can talk to the person privately and offer support in getting her appropriate services outside of the group.

It sounds like you were uncomfortable for awhile. Listen to your instincts, address problems immediately, and tell the truth with love. If a group doesn't work for you don't hang around letting it get worse.

Honestly look too for the part you may have played in the group not working. Look without judgment but so that you can learn how to attract more of what you want in group members by being it yourself. Those lessons we don't learn from we get to repeat.



Follow Smart Group Guidelines

The following guidelines not only help create a safe place for a productive and enjoyable meeting, they help to eliminate the kind of habits that quickly dissolve a group. I recommend that you review the following guidelines at the start of every meeting:

Commit to Confidentiality. Everything that is said at a Life Makeover Group meeting is strictly confidential.

Give Everyone Equal Time. Be sure that each person has a chance to speak. While there may certainly be times when a member needs extra attention, it's important to prevent members from continuously dominating the conversation. This is the one problem that I've seen ruin a group quicker than any other. To ensure that everyone gets equal time, use a timer or an alarm clock to keep members on track. Make sure that it sounds an alarm when time is up. Remember that your meeting should be focused on action not social chitchat.

Don't be critical or give unsolicited advice. Let each person ask for what they need.

Share Facilitation. Have someone new facilitate your meetings each time you meet to prevent the group from having a "boss." This is also important for those members who have a tendency to get caught up in the "teacher" role and end up not getting the support they need. Too often a member who needs the most support is the one who will take on the caretaker role of the group. Avoid this tendency by rotating leadership.

Focus on the positive. Put the attention on what works. Look for and acknowledge a member’s strengths. Keep complaining and whining to a minimum -- one minute or less (we all need to do it sometimes). If someone continuously comes to a meeting complaining or crying about the same problem without taking action to remedy the situation, this may be an indication that the member needs therapy or some other kind of individual support. Do this member a favor and be honest. Have someone from the group contact the person privately and offer to help them get the support they need. Don't let a fellow member suffer by being "nice." Tell the truth.

Speak from your own experience. Use the word "I" not "you" when speaking to other members.

Honor the group. Hold a regular "check-in" meeting to be sure that all members are satisfied with how the meetings are run. Tell the truth about how you feel (gracefully, of course). You might also check in at the end of each meeting, once a month, or once a quarter. If there is a problem, address it immediately! For example, if someone talks too much or ignores group guidelines by gossiping, you need to honor your group by telling the truth.

[lostinnb]

Dear Hawk,

I think you made the right decision by removing yourself from the group. Be true to yourself and what feels right for you. I live in Atlantic Canada, welcome. I hope you find the peace and contentment you deserve.

Sincerely,

Lost in NB