There are times in life when a good dose of restraint goes a long way
in saving relationships -- both with yourself and others. Last week
I had a conversation with a friend who received an email that made
her angry. Fortunately, she had the good sense to call me before
firing back a response. As we talked about the situation (a
colleague had seemingly taken credit for her idea), I suggested that
restraint might be a wise choice in handling the situation. Before
she confronted this colleague with an accusation of betrayal, she
needed to step back, regain her composure, and think clearly about
how best to respond.
We've all had similar experiences -- your boss says something stupid
to you in front of co-workers and you get so angry that you storm out
of the room. Or you find yourself in the middle of the same old
argument with your son or daughter and you hear yourself saying
foolish things that you know you'll later regret. These are the
times when restraint can be a valuable tool -- one that saves energy
and a whole lot of hurt feelings.
Every day we're faced with situations that would benefit from a
little restraint. You simply need to notice the clues. For example,
you'll know that restraint is a wise choice when:
- You feel so charged you can't think clearly.
- Your emotional reaction feels bigger than what the current
situation warrants.
- It feels like an overpowering energy is coursing through your
veins and you feel *compelled* to react.
- You feel so angry that you know there's a good chance you'll say something mean or stupid that you'll regret later on.
We all get our buttons pushed. It's just a part of life. But the
growth lies in our ability to make better choices. Here are a few
things you can do to insure that you take good care of yourself and others:
1. Close your eyes and breathe. When you're caught off guard, your
body's fight or flight system gets activated and it's as though all
systems suddenly go on red alert. This means you're now operating in
survivor mode -- not conducive to making wise, thoughtful
choices. By closing your eyes and taking several slow, deep breaths,
you'll immediately cause your brain to begin making alpha waves, the
kind of brain wave patterns that gently calm you down.
2. Find a safe person to vent to about the situation. "Safe" is the
operative word here. Be sure to choose someone who can listen well
so you're able to process your feelings. Don't choose someone who
simply fuels the drama by egging you on with their opinions of how
you've been wronged.
3. Get more information. Before you confront the other person with
your assumptions, ask questions. For example, if an email pushed
your buttons, ask the sender what he or she intended to
communicate. By now most of us know that we miss the nuances and
tone of a person's message when we communicate via email. Make sure
you have the facts before accusing someone of a damaging act. When
my friend, who was angry with her colleague for taking her idea,
calmed down and inquired about what happened, she discovered that, in
fact, her idea hadn't been taken at all. Her name had mistakenly
been left out of a document.
4. Have a sane conversation with the person involved. Be sure to
speak from the "I" position and simply let him or her know how you
feel and what you need. If the connection is important, you might
even start your exchange by acknowledging the value of your relationship first.
The next time you find yourself in overreaction mode, practice
restraint. By choosing to step back and put some space between you
and an immediate response, you not only protect your relationships,
you preserve your self-respect.
This week, catch yourself before you overreact or impulsively respond
to something that pushes your buttons. Instead, step back, take a
deep breath and consider using one of the steps above. For example,
if you find yourself in an argument with a spouse or partner, ask for
a time out to regroup and calm down. If a co-worker does something
that makes you angry, don't get caught up in any drama. Instead,
find someone reasonable to discuss the situation with before you
respond. Be wise. Honor
yourself and your relationships by using a little restraint.
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